Fails of the Week: Nicki Minaj’s (Non) Ghostwriter, Pharrell’s Blurry Love for Sheep & More Posted by Nathan S. on 08/09/13 | Filed under Humor, Fails of the Week, Fails

The dictionary defines "Schadenfreude" as pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others. In that case, we're about to get Schadenfreude like a motherfucker up in this piece.

For the latest edition of "Fails of the Week" (aka your favorite running column that doesn't involve random hot girls) I tackle the Nicki Minaj ghostwriting non-controversy, Pharrell's "Blurred Lines" love for sheep and more.

Enjoy...

The Ghost(Writer) of Nicki Minaj


This week a lot of people hit me up asking if I was going to write about the Nicki Minaj ghostwriter thing/fiasco/situation. The answer was, obviously, no. I just didn't have the mental energy to devote to something so crazy. (My mental energy was occupied with much more important shit.)

But fine, I'll do the Clif Notes version for "Fails of the Week". This guy Ransom maybe/kinda said he ghostwrote for Nicki Minaj on this one song (but probably not), the interwebs flipped it into a "Ransom Says He Ghostwrote for Nicki Minaj" story, Nicki Minaj lost her shit on him, he was all "I didn't say I ghostwrote for you", she was all "We all good then", and he was all fuck it, as long as this many people are paying attention to me I might as well go all in and is currently doing his best to seize his moment in the spotlight.

There, I think I got it all. See, aren't you glad I didn't make you sit through an entire article about this?

Sheep Trak


I know by internet terms the "Blurred Lines" video is old news, but sorry, it just noticed that when Pharrell mouths "You the hottest bitch in this place" he's definitely pointing to a sheep, which kind of seems like a thing. Actually, "pointing to" doesn't really do it justice. He's definitely trying to get eye level with the sheep, like he really wants to make sure the sheep understands that not only is it a hot bitch, it's Pharrell fucking Williams who says so, so sheep, you should known in your heart of sheep hearts, that you are indeed a bad bitch. And you know what, that sheep is looking like she's really feeling Pharrell in return. (Assuming, of course, that's a female sheep. If not, then this goes to another level.)

And yes, of course I'm joking and blowing something out of proportion. But still, this:



Terrible Rap


As we discussed last week, flow is actually the hardest element of rapping well. A lot of people can write down some words type some words into their Blackberry, but being able to shape those words to a beat is where the real artistry comes in.

But this guy? This isn't just a bad flow, it's like he consciously knows what would make a dope flow, and then consciously does the exact opposite. I just don't understand how you can be this off-rhythm without actively trying.

Gin and juice in a glass, vodka in a can. Just like a real player do.

Cue "Karate Chop"


I didn't enjoy anything this week as much as I enjoyed this video. Just when you think it can't get any worse - he just can't break that darn board - he does break it, and it hits a girl in the head, and she cries. Just fantastic. From now on this is my go to "sometimes you just need to cut your loses" reference.

And yes, it helps that this is the real life Will Ferrell skit.

The Best of the Rest:

Of Course the Surviving Member of Milli Vanilli Has an EDM Project
Bored Kid Interrupts Parents During Public Sex in Public Park
“Blurred Lines” x Blubber
How Those Fake Pilot Names Made It On TV
Road Raging Man Shoots Himself in the Groin