Sex, Relationships & F**king: Cosmo’s Worst Sex Tips Posted by Nathan S. on 08/07/13 | Filed under Humor, Opinion, Sex & Relationships, NSFW

(Why a picture of Rosa Acosta? Why not.)

All right RefinedHype Nation, you know what time it is! What's that? You have no idea what time it is? Sorry, well, in that case, it's time for another edition of "Sex, Relationships & Fucking", the semi-regular column where I take women's magazines - you know, those magazines responsible for the vast majority of the world's ills - and inject them with a heavy dose of real man truth.

This week, I'm going over Cosmo's "100 Dynamite Sex Tips", a list that's only accurate in the sense that dynamite has been known to maim and even kill people. So enjoy, and remember, under no circumstances should you try any of this at home...or in your car...a bathroom at a party....behind the cotton candy stand at a State Fair. You get the picture.

Let's do the dam thing.

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Push an exercise ball up against the wall, have him sit on it, bounce on him.

This is a fantastic idea for anyone who enjoys embarrassing sex stories and genitalia-related trips to the emergency room.

First off, have you ever actually sat on an exercise ball? It has some give, they're not exactly made for anyone over 150 pounds to really bounce on, let alone with someone else on top of them. Second, there's a 417% chance that if you really start going at it, the two of you are going to fall over to the side and, if you're lucky, you only fracture instead of completely shatter your wang.

The only way you're going to pull this off without injury is if you go really slow and careful, which, you know, ruins the entire fucking point of hot sex.

In an essay for GQ, Kelly Oxford swore sex bartering injects the ‘hot’. Try this: you do laundry; he gives you a sensual massage.

I have no idea who Kelly Oxford is, but she's an idiot. About the last thing you want to inject into your sex life is chores. By their very nature chores are things you don't want to do - why would you want a mental association between that and one of the most purely pleasurable activities available to humans?

Hearing someone say, "Tell you what, clean out the toilets and we can have sex" is like hearing someone say, "Tell you what, eat this pile of mud and I'll give you a piece of chocolate cake." You'd be so nauseous from eating the mud you don't even really want the chocolate cake.

(Unless, of course, you're doing some sort of maid fantasy thing. In which case go for it, although it's kind of fucked up if you have your fantasy maid do any cleaning more vigorous than light dusting.)

Tease him all over his body with your tongue, then direct a handheld fan at the spots you licked.

Girl: "You like it when I run my tongue over your body?"
Me: "Yes baby, don't stop."
Girl: "That's what I thought, now check this out...." [Gets up, goes across room, gets handheld fan, turns it on.]
Me: [Stares in confusion]
Girl: "Oh yeah, you like that don't you?"
Me: "Um....."
Girl (with sexy, smoldering look in her eye): "How's that feel daddy? Great, right?"
Me: "It kind of just feels like a fan. Can we go back to..."
Girl (waves handheld fan vigorously): "Oh yeah!"
Me: "...the part where...."
Girl: "FEEL THE FAN!!!"
Me: ....you were just licking me?

Get in the tub, and bring a cup of ice cubes. Run a few over his package until they melt.

This sounds fucking terrible.

The mere thought, let alone the actuality, of a frostbitten penis makes me want to never talk to anyone who would ever think of doing this. Tell everybody, never put ice cubes on someone's package until they melt. To anyone. That anyone knows. Don’t rub ice on themselves. Don’t touch ice ever again." *

Climb on top, and play with just the tip for a few minutes. Then get up, grab some water, and leave him hanging. When you finally take all of him, it’ll feel like sensory overload.

Listen, there is absolutely something to be said for the idea of teasing someone. The...fruit that you have to...wait longer to taste....tastes more sweet. Or something. I don't know, it sounded like it'd be a good saying when I started writing it.

But there's a big difference between teasing and just openly infuriating someone by, say, walking the fuck away and getting a drink of water after you've already placed their penis inside their vagina. In fact, I think that's a good general rule. The stop and go thing can work, but as soon as you ACTUALLY LEAVE THE ROOM, that's when it's gone too far. Now I'm less "tantalized" and more "wait, did you just walk away?"

Wrap a belt around each of his thighs. This will push more blood into his penis, making his erection feel even harder.

*Cut to shot of me with belts wrapped around my thighs, wondering why the fuck I have belts wrapped around my thighs.*

To put on a condom with your mouth: press the tip of the glove against his penis, then roll it down using your lips.

This is like getting advice on how to tie your shoes with your mouth. Ok, fine, but...why the fuck would you want to put a condom on with your mouth? Ladies, you could spend a few minutes awkwardly trying to roll a condom down with your lips, kill the mood and end up tasting like latex and lube. Or....he could just do it with his hands in five seconds. Your choice.

And it's a moot point considering you shouldn't try it anyway, but for the record, their tip for how to put a condom on using your mouth boils down to, "do what you do to put a condom on with your hand, but use your mouth." Thanks Cosmo!