Sex, Relationships & F**king: What If Your Man Doesn’t Want to F**k? Posted by Nathan S. on 07/30/13 | Filed under Humor, Opinion, Sex & Relationships

Frankly I don't know how this has happened. When I started this "Sex, Relationships & Fucking" column, I thought it'd be a funny distraction from all the rap nerdery, and a way for me to repeatedly type the word "vagina". But against the odds, I'm now regularly getting emails from women (yes, actual women) asking for my advice.

As long as you know you're freely soliciting life advice who someone who uses "Sex in the Kitchen" as his go-to bedroom music, who am I to let your queries go unanswered? So here's a verbatim email from a reader who's asked to remain anonymous:

"I have a friend who dating a guy for about 6 months she's really chill and not crazy at all, but he's never in the mood for sex. she'll get him hard but he will say he's not on the mood how would she go about it so he has some appetite."

A "friend", huh? That's ironic, because I have this "friend" who writes sex and relationship columns on RefinedHype. Let's see if my friend can help your friend.

Let me start by talking about lobsters, because lobster anecdotes are how how all good sex articles should start. If you drop a lobster into a pot of boiling water it will immediately start to desperately escape. But if you put a lobster in a pot of cold water, then slowly and gradually turn up the heat, it will never notice it's being boiled alive and will stay completely calm.

Your friend is a lobster who's had the heat turned up on her slowly over the past six months. I guarantee that if you were to drop anyone into that relationship without warning ("Here's your boyfriend, he never wants to have sex with you, even when he's hard. Enjoy!") they'd immediately freak out and desperately try to escape. But she's been in that relationship pot so long, she's lost the ability to realize just how unbearably hot it is.

And let me be clear, as an objective outsider, the situation's crazy. While it's a myth that guys are always in the mood - believe it or not we're actual people who occasionally feel tired/angry/depressed/not eager to have sex - the "no"s should be rare rarer than the "yes"s. Any guy who's turning down sex more than....let's say...ten percent of the time, and that feels overly generous, should raise all sorts of red flags with you.

AND he's getting hard? AND he still doesn't want to have sex? It'd be one thing if he had some sort of sexual dysfunction and couldn't get hard, but the equipment's in working order, is getting primed, and then he just walks away? That's just crazy talk. What, does he also take his paycheck to the bank, cash it, then throw the cash in the trash? Get a delicious cake, take a big forkful, then dump that forkful on the floor? Because that's the equivalent of what he's doing... sexually.

Frankly, there are only a few options here, and all of them are bad. One, he's just fundamentally not attracted to your friend, to the extent that he's actively willing to forgo sex even when he's at half-mast. Two, he's pistachios. Three, he's in the closet. (And might not realize it himself.) Four, some combination of all of the above.

While I know a lot of people would say it's on the girl to increase his "appetite", and there are certainly some suggestions I could give, this is on him, and he's too far gone. Wearing some lingerie to get him excited would be like worrying about what color the curtains are on a house that's burning down.

It's probably not what she wants to hear, but the truth is your friend needs to break up with dude and spend all the time and energy she would have spent on fixing a relationship that probably can't be fixed, and focus it on finding someone who actually wants to have sex with her. I know, what a crazy concept.

Or, you know, she could stay in the pot and get comfortable with being boiled alive. Either/or, her choice.

(Have a question you'd like me to answer? Want me to compare your sex life to cooking a lobster? Feel free to reach out at [email protected].)