Weekly Re-Up: The Super Bowl XLVIII Edition Posted by Lucas G. on 01/31/14 | Filed under Humor, Weekly Re-Up, General Awesomeness, Sports, Fails

Listen, it's Friday, we get it. Nobody really wants to do anything that involves using your brain. So the new "Weekly Re-Up" will provide you with both the biggest "Fails" and the most awesome "General Awesomeness", as well as some other must see shit from the week, and of course some boobs. We will also be including a "Weekend Rewind" selection to give you something to listen to this weekend. It's a whole lot of everything.

Screw the normal routine, it's Super Bowl Friday. Just two days standing between you and the last 60 minutes of football for nine months (unless you're a Browns fan). So be sure to load of beer, wings and make room for hard hits, fireworks, and commercials; how is this not a national holiday? To celebrate the Weed Super Bowl, we are foregoing the usual "Weekly Re-Up" routine and footballifying it. There will still be all the fails and awesomeness (and booty) you need to get to get through the weekend, but it'll all be football related.

Hike!

General Awesomeness

Can't Hear The Haters

Look, I fucking loathe the Seahawks. Yeah I'm jealous, yeah I'm pissed they broke RGIII and always seem to beat my Redskins (even when they were shitty), yeah their fans are as annoying as Richard Sherman; call me a hater, I don't care, because I am. That being said, if any f you aren't a Derrick Coleman fan, than you don't have a soul. In fact, should they win, Derrick Coleman will be the only reason why I wont turn into a bitter, grumpy frustrated mess. If you don't know the story, Derrick Coleman, the Seahawks fullback is legally deaf. Explained through the epic commercial above, though he was told his whole life he couldn't ever play football because he was deaf, he defied the odds and now, he is playing in the mother fucking Super Bowl; he can't hear all you haters (and he doesn't need overpriced headphones to drown em out). While that is plenty of awesomeness for a general awesomeness there is even more awesomeness making Coleman even more Awesome.

If that doesn't put a smile on your face, you don't deserve to watch the Super Bowl. As I said, I hate the Seahawks, but between Russell Wilson's wallet and Coleman taking the time out of his Super Bowl week preparations (time he could use watching film or practicing) to meet these girls and hook them up with tickets, they are making it hard to do. I'm calling it now, Coleman will score a TD; it's called karma.

I Was Born A Gambling Man

I am not a betting man - I would rather spend that money on beer, wings, pizza, chile, and Pepto Bismol - but for those who like to let it ride, the Super Bowl prop bets are basically porn. Sure you could bet on who will win, the over/under, passing yards, or something actually related to the game, but why do that when you could bet on some wild, random, truly ridiculous shit? These novelty props are always one of my favorite parts of the big game and this year has some truly great ones including:

SUPER BOWL XLVIII SPECIALS - Will Knowshon Moreno cry during the singing of the National Anthem 

SUPER BOWL XLVIII SPECIALS - What will be said more during the game?
Reference to Denver Broncos #1 or Best Offense
Reference to Seattle Seahawks #1 or Best Defense

SUPER BOWL XLVIII SPECIALS - How many times will "12th man" be said during the game?

SUPER BOWL XLVIII SPECIALS - How many times will Peyton Manning say "Omaha" during the game? 

SUPER BOWL XLVIII SPECIALS - Will the announcers refer to Russell Wilson being drafted in the MLB?

SUPER BOWL XLVIII SPECIALS - Will any member of the Red Hot Chili Peppers be shirtless during their performance 

SUPER BOWL XLVIII SPECIALS - Which song will Bruno Mars perform first?
Grenade (7/1)
Just The Way You Are (5/1)
Locked Out Of Heaven (1/2)
Marry You (15/1)
The Lazy Song (15/1)
Treasure (5/1)
Gorilla (15/1)

SUPER BOWL XLVIII SPECIALS -What Color will the Gatorade (or liquid) be that is dumped on the Head Coach of the Winning Super Bowl Team? 

SUPER BOWL XLVIII SPECIALS -- What will happen with the Dow Jones the day after the Super Bowl? 
Market Up
Market Down

But if betting on the Chili Peppers' clothes or Bruno Mars' hat selection (yes that is a real one) just isn't obsucre enough for you how about pro bets involving other sports?

SUPER BOWL XLVIII CROSS SPORT MATCHUPS - What will be higher?
Gold Medals by the USA in the 2014 Sochi Olympics
First Half Total Points by the Broncos

SUPER BOWL XLVIII CROSS SPORT MATCHUPS - What will be higher?
Total Corner kicks West Brom vs Liverpool
Total Penalties in the Super Bowl

SUPER BOWL XLVIII CROSS SPORT MATCHUPS - What will be higher?
Total Goals scored by the Canadiens vs Winnipeg
Knowshon Moreno Receptions

FYI, you can read the rest here. Well that last one is great because I am totally planing on watching the Super Bowl picture-in-picture with the Winnipeg game on too. Anyway, even if you don't bet, these are still fun as shit to guess on. Sure the game is great and everything, but part of what makes the Super Bowl an event is the little things like this.

Best Of The Bowl:
Rescued Cedar Rapids Dog Featured on Puppy Bowl
Richard Sherman Explains What People Mean When They Call Him A "Thug"
Mom's Super Bowl surprise goes viral
Batman On Steroids: How The NFL On Fox Theme Song Was Born

Fails Of The Super Bowl

Beast Mode:

The Seahawks are quite the team. They have a guy who won't ever talk in Marshawn Lynch, and a guy who won't shut the fuck up in Richard Sherman. You have probably been too busy with Sherman to even realize that Marshawn never talks to the media; it's kind of his thing. Honestly, I respect the hell out of him for it. He had a rocky start to his career in Buffalo and has turned over a new leaf. Part of that maturation process was stepping out of the limelight and focusing on his career. In a business where athletes are spoiled, fawned over, cocky, arrogant and too outspoken, it is refreshing to see someone so successfully whose only focuses on the game. Now you would think that, because he didn't talk tot he media all season, Lynch might be given some slack on the biggest week of his life when his attention has to be solely on the game, but not in the NFL. At the risk of being fined, Marshawn reluctantly agreed to step to the podium

So lemme get this straight, the dude had to step out of his normal routine to answer fucking ridiculous questions like "what did you eat last night for dinner?" or "What does Beast Mode mean to you?" Stupid ass fucking questions. The media finally gets a chance to talk to him and instead of asking how he will deal with the Denver defense or what practice has been like this week, they ask him about fucking dinner. God forbid we go into the Super Bowl without knowing that Marshawn ate soul food this week; it just wouldn't be the same. The guy is clearly uncomfortable, clearly doesn't want to be there, doesn't give any answers because of it, but he still gets trotted out there like some dog and pony show. Could the NFL be any more out of touch? I know guys are mandated to appear, but cut Lynch some slack.

Full House Nosetalgia:

Obviously, football comes first, but who doesn't love a good Super Bowl commercial right? Some commercials end up being classics, but others are just god awful. Any thing with models, puppies, or frogs is A Ok in my book. However, for every good commercials there are about 10 cheesy, unfunny, or lame ones. Each year, one company brings back some old washed up hack who was popular in the '90s and puts them into a commercial for a brief moment of fame until the novelty wears off three seconds later. It happened with Flava Flav and it will happen this year. Want to know how I know? Dannon already released a commercial with features three '90s hacks for the price of one: The Full House dads.

Ugh. Just awful; that was like the least funny commercial ever (even more depressing than these). It is solely dependent on people getting really excited over three people who were on a  show that aired a decade ago; pretty lame. If Bob Saget had been popping pills and threw up yogurt everywhere, that would be funny; him rehashing Danny's OCD is not. I fucks with Full House, still do on occasion, but nobody is thinking "OMG I CANT WAIT TO WATCH THIS DANNON YOGURT COMMERCIAL WITH THE FULL HOUSE CAST! OMG DAVE COULIER!!! HE AND ALANIS MORISSETTE ARE MY TOTES FAV CELEB COUPLE EVER!" At best somebody will be like, "hey I remember that show...what happened to the Olsen twins...pass the chips". You pay all that money for some airtime, and that'a the best you can come up with? Lame.

Worst Of The Bowl:
Seahawks fandom alive in Tri-Cities (Girl shaves head, gets tattoo to win SB tix...still doesn't win)
The Jersey City councilman who corrected Seahawks coach Pete Carroll on being in New Jersey
6 healthy Super Bowl snacks
High-end drug and prostitution ring busted on Super Bowl week

Super Bowl Soundtrack:

To celebrate the two teams in the Super Bowl, it seems only fitting that we bump two artists (one from Colorado and one from Seattle) right up until kick off. First up is Seattle, with Blue Scholars. Seattle is full of talented underground emcees and Blue Scholars has been at the top of the list for a while now. Since finding people from Denver is harder than you might think, I had to travel to Fort Collins, Colorado and grab Pretty Lights. Funny thing, I actually have been meaning to bump more of their stuff lately. Guess now is a good time to start; I forgot how fucking dope he is. Also I am throwing in some Red Hot Chili Peppers because they are playing the halftime show and are fucking awesome. "Blood Sugar Sex Magick" is a Top 10 album of all time.

Booty Of The Bowl:

Like "I'm going to Disneyland" or the trophy presentation, hot, foreign reporters at media day have become a beloved Super Bowl tradition. You might remember when Inez Sanz made Pylons stand at attention few years ago. well, she just got put on notice by Mariana González.

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