This Is My Rifle: Walking The Tightrope Between Money & Artistic Freedom Posted by Jason James on 11/13/13 | Filed under Opinion, This Is My Rifle

This is a lot more enjoyable than I thought it would be. I haven't written anything in so long and I feel like I've been missing out on something intrinsic to what makes me the character that I am. I knew sooner or later time would allow me to once again sit and grasp at the random ideas that move through my mind like wreckage washing up on the shore of some desolate beach, but I assumed it would be a battle to untangle the words and make them fit into the image I aspire to create. If a skill is not practiced or utilized for some time, rust will naturally grow. I'll admit, I am struggling a bit to find the right verbiage that will accurately depict the point I would like to address and underline this week, but I'm definitely not the empty headed hole of nothingness that I thought I would be.

So what should I discuss? Should I recap America's failed attempt to seek public approval for military intervention in Syria? Should I go in on Obamacare and comprehensively dissect the arguments for and against? I'd like to do both but I just don't have the patience for it today. No, I don't care enough at this time to bother with it at all.

Ah, what the fuck am I saying? I do care. I care A LOT. Actually, considering that I'm Canadian, I give more attention to these subjects than I'm comfortable with. I see the empire that is the United States spiraling into collapse and I'm fascinated by it. I see a world of humans becoming increasingly informed and angry at the rampant corruption and I'm inspired to share my philosophies. Even those of us that indulge in the artificial side of life more than the organic, inexpensive joys of simple existence are starting to look at their media and governments with a critical eye. Even if it is just a quote from Bob Marley set against a sunset and posted on Instagram, it's great to know that people are thinking. Their eyes are opening by tiny fractions one day at a time and they're joining the conversation that is rapidly snowballing into a global roar. Sure, they're still watching Miley Cyrus whore herself out for an industry designed to destroy her, but it is what it is. The longer they walk along the path of questioning, the more further they will drift from engaging in the pure evil that ravages our imaginations on a daily basis.

Look at me, being all self-righteous and shit. Fuck me and my “walk the path, young Jedi” preachiness. Who the fuck am I to judge anybody and tell them what to do or who they should be? The message should be to just live. Just be yourself. If the pursuit of expensive cars and jewelry makes you happier than running barefoot through an island jungle, then by all means please spend every dollar you have on whatever products you feel will enhance the 80 or so years you have been allotted to be here. In the grand scheme of things, you, me, and everybody we know are just a flicker of light in the timeline of our universe. In fact, we aren't even a flicker. We appear and disappear before we can even register on the radar. We are a star so distant, and so small that our birth and death occur in the exact same instant. We are as much a participant in the history of our universe as a blink of an eye.

But we do have purpose, don't we? We're all connected to some sort of external energy that drives consciousness through the undiscovered transistors inside of our minds, right? There has to be something bigger than this, there has to be a reason behind it all. Human life is far too intricate and precious to be devoid of meaning. There's no way this is an accident.

These are all thoughts that maneuver their way through the electric pulses in my brain as I sit on my couch at 9:30pm on a Friday night. I'm searching for some sort of explanation as to why I am where I am. I'm fucking exhausted and I just pushed myself through a grueling 2 hour workout. I didn't want to do it tonight but I forced it because I had no other choice. I've only been able to get exercise once this week and if I didn't do it tonight I might miss this week altogether. I'm worried about my health. I'm 20 pounds overweight and my heart has been fluttering more than usual lately. Fuck, maybe I should just admit that these cigarettes are killing me.

THESE THINGS ARE FUCKING KILLING ME.

Jesus, it's finally sinking in that cigarettes are almost certainly going to end my life. I'm desperately trying to quit but I feel powerless right now. I chain smoke when I write, so what will become of my passion if I successfully quit? Will I have anything to replace this habit with or will I just stop writing out of fear of falling into this deadly addiction again?

Ironic, isn’t it? What I love most is directly attached to something that will ultimately destroy me.

Self-destruction- I think about it all the time. As I sit here staring blankly at the television and contemplating sleep I’m also trying to find a way out of this hamster wheel that I’m in. I keep slipping in and out of consciousness but I force myself awake because I have too much to consider right now. I’ve just decided to quit my full-time corporate job to work part-time at the lazer tag place across the street from my condo so I can focus more of my energy on music. I know that everybody in my life will think I’m crazy for leaving what most would consider a great job, but if making a fraction of the money I used to make and mopping up pre-pubescent vomit in a dimly lit warehouse turned battledome will bring me closer to achieving my dreams, then that’s exactly what I’m going to do.

Of course, I haven’t pulled the trigger on that strategy yet. I’ve calculated the move but I can’t figure out which will be more destructive. Will I leave my corporate position and immediately regret my decision? How will my lack of income impact the endless list of expenses my music generates? Or what if I have already checkmated myself and I just don’t know it? Is this job the last and final obstacle between myself and artistic success? If I don’t leave now will this be the nail in the coffin for any hope I had of ever finding true freedom?

I have 2 EP’s and half of an album inside of my head right now. The songs are written and the production has been selected. If I had 3 weeks of free time I could knock all of them out in one fell swoop. My best friend has given me his microphone and digital interface so I can record my vocals at home and run them through the much more expensive compressors at another studio once I’m finished. All I need is time.

So this is where I find myself- walking the tightrope between stability and freedom. I am ready to take the risk, but I am unclear as to which risk I should take. Do I continue on inside of the corporate bubble and fight my way through the exhaustion or do I strip away the economic barriers and commit to a healthier, happier lifestyle? I refuse to close the door on the probability of freedom. The only question I ask is, which road will lead me to the light?

The truth is, I’m trapped. I’m navigating through this labyrinth of possibility the best that I can but the fear of failure is always present. No matter which way I look at it there is devastation on both sides- either I spend the next 40 years sitting behind a desk willing myself through a miserable existence or I shatter whatever hope I had of normality by leaving that miserable existence to continue chasing a dream that may lead me to a fate much worse than the one I previously imagined.

I guess I’m just going to have to close my eyes and come out swinging. 2014 will be an interesting year, indeed.

(Jason James is an artist, freelance columnist and writer for RefinedHype.com. You can read/download his free eBook, "This Is My Rifle" and listen/download his most recent album, "Pyramids in Stereo". You can also contact him here and here.