Sex, Relationships & F**king: Terrible Ways to Ask a Girl Out on a Date Posted by Nathan S. on 01/09/14 | Filed under Humor, Opinion, Sex & Relationships

(Why a picture of Rosa Acosta? Why not?)

I don't think I need to say that I love writing about rappity rap. I just did devote 1,000 words to breaking down the lyrics of a Fabolous album. But if I'm being completely honest, these "Sex, Relationships & Fucking" articles are my favorite to write because, you know, sex. 

So I had to kick off 2014 with a new edition, although this time around I'm going to flip the script a little bit. Usually I grab terrible sex and dating advice from women's magazines and explain to women exactly why it's terrible. But Cosmo and its sistern ilk don't have a monopoly on terribleness, men's magazines do more than their fair share of damage. 

Case in point, that Pulitzer Prize winning entity AskMen.com and their "10 Guaranteed Ways To Pick Up Women" article. They highlighted some dating stories from women to show guys how they should be asking girls out, I'm going to use those same stories to show guys how ridiculous that advice is. 

Got it? Good, let's do this thing. 

Get Mad & Go Looking for Her

Near the end of WWII, my dad had completed his combat tour as a B-17 pilot...as he was on approach to land at San Antonio, a Piper Cub cut him off in the pattern and he had to...avoid a collision. He was pissed and after landing went looking for the pilot of the Piper Cub and met my mom. It was her solo flight.

See, easy. All you have to do is becoming a pilot, wait for a hot women to almost kill you and them boom, you're married for the next six decades. I don't see what's so hard about this dating shit. 

Beyond the fact that, of fucking course, this is a completely un-repeatable situation, I feel the need to point out that angrily storming after someone is a horrible, horrible, horrible way to get a date. As a general rule, when angrily yelled at by someone who went "looking for them", most women don't respond with, "Yep, this is totally someone I should start dating." Unless they have some serious baggage, most likely involving daddy issues, in which case have fun with that.  

Did I mention don't do this? I did? Well don't do it. 

Tell Her You're Taking Her to Lunch

One day, I walk into the cafeteria during the break in between classes...one of the guys stands up and says, "Come on, I'm taking you to lunch." I was very confused, but I followed him out the door. Then we're walking toward the shopping center...and he turns to me and says,  "Oh, and we're going out," holding out his hand for me. I gave a very timid "OK?" and carefully took his hand...We ended up going to Carl's Jr for a quick lunch because I had a class, and now, almost a year later, we're engaged. 

Why do all of your dating suggestions involve borderline verbal assault and kidnapping? 

Instead of a guideline to dating, I'm going to show this to my daughter as a prime example of stranger danger. Let me talk to the ladies here for a sec - come on now. Really? Really though? You really just timidly follow any stranger who says "come with me" without a single question? Did he have a new bike for you in his tinted mini-van? Some delicious candy? 

So fair warning guys. This strategy might work when it comes to getting "dates" from embarassingly timid girls/human sheep, but if you ever try this on my daughter, I'm training her to immediately give you the Nicki Minaj.  

The kicker here is that he ended up taking her to Carl's Jr. Well played sir, well played. It's rare to see the Rick Ross dating strategy work in real life (or now the Fabolous dating strategy), but you've done it. I can see why you asked her to marry you. 

Write Her a Prescription for One Date

A guy I know...had just became a doctor. We were joking on Facebook about something and he offered to write me a prescription for some antibiotic. He was very persistent about it and about getting my address for this purpose. A week later, I got a prescription for "one date" with him. It was adorable and possibly medical malpractice at the same time.

Just a classic case of doing too much. Sure, you could become a doctor, find a girl on Facebook, joke with her about her herpes infection*, offer to illegally write a prescription, spend weeks hounding her for her address, get her address, then send her a "one date" prescription. Or...

...you could just fucking ask her out. That would probably work too, 

Give Her a Mission 

A guy...asked me out to get ice cream. I said I would meet him there. When I got there, a little kid walked in and handed me a tape player with three balloons. Red, yellow and green. When I played the tape, it said something like, "Your mission, if you choose to accept it, is to accept my invitation to a day of...," on and on about going mini-golfing and having lunch. The final instructions were to walk outside and release one balloon. Red for no, yellow for maybe, green for yes.

I released the green balloon. He was on a hill a ways away with some binoculars. When he saw the balloon, the same little kid came back and handed me the address of the mini-golf place. Fun date.

First of all, I call completely bullshit on your story. From a logistical standpoint, how did this work? He had the little kid on a cell phone telling him what to do? There was another adult (I hope the kid's parent) hiding nearby co-directing the operation? Now this isn't a date, it's an Ocean's Eleven operation. And that's a lot of trust to put in a little kid. And what would he have done if she released the yellow balloon, just fucking stay there on hill? (Which, by the way, was very conveniently located within sight of the ice cream story.) And WHO STILL HAS A TAPE RECORDER? Bullshit, there's no way this actually happened. 

But fine, let's say that it actually did happen. What kind of person does something like this? It just reeks of fear and creepiness and an almost neurotic lack of self-confidence. She already agreed to go out on a date with you, to the aforementioned ice cream shop by the hill, why all the next-level balloon shit? This is exactly the kind of dude who practices taxidermy in his spare time, don't date him. 

If there's any over-arching lesson to be learned here, it's that men have completely bought into the age of romantic comedies and sweeping gestures that become YouTube viral videos. Those things have their time and place, but a first date isn't that time or place. 

A girl may be intimidated into going out on a date with you because of some elaborate set-up, but then what? You go out with her and she learns you're a d-bad who has to rely on colored balloons and children for social interactions. Instead, just try acting like a non-insane human being, treat her like she's a non-insane human being, and ask her out. You'd be shocked how effective that can be. I know, maybe easier said than done, but it's still a lot easier than these terrible ideas. 

You're welcome, good luck. 

* Ok, fine, so I'm just assuming it was herpes. But still, come on, it was totally herpes. 

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