Sex, Relationships & F**king: Terrible Dating Advice From Men (aka Rich Santos is a Traitor) Posted by Nathan S. on 10/24/13 | Filed under Humor, Opinion, Sex & Relationships

(Why a picture of Rosa Acosta? Why not?)

Even a confirmed rap nerd needs to take a break from rappity rap and write about something else every so often, and if I'm going to write about something else, it might as well be "Sex, Relationships & Fucking".

Regular readers of the column already know the deal. Women get much of their advice about men and sex from women's magazines like Cosmo and Glamour, which is like getting advice on bacon from a vegan. What women really need is sex and relationship advice from an actual, honest man...which is why there's nothing worse than when they bring in an "actual" man who's far from honest.

Case in point, Rich Santos' "What He's Thinking" column for Marie Claire, in which he "reveals what men really think about sex, dating, relationships, and you." Which would have been fucking fantastic except, you know, Richy Rich is clearly more concerned with potentially dating Marie Claire's readers than revealing anything.

So, once again, it looks like it's up to me...

We like to cuddle. Cuddling is all about mood and ambience. It's peaceful to lie in someone's arms in the dark with great music or even the low buzz of the TV (although that tends to distract me) in the background. It's nice to hear nothing but your lover's breath against the backdrop of the evening or early morning. Holding someone close in bed also makes you feel very secure with one another and the relationship.

Sweet baby jesus, this is so soft it makes Drake look like Iceberg Slim. Now, I'm not going to be that Neaderthal man caricture who hates cuddling and eats raw streak and beer and football because ME MAN ME HAVE NO EMOTIONS. Sure, fine, get in some cuddle time now and again.

But "nice to hear nothing but your lover's breath against the backdrop of the evening"? Really Rich? Really though? This is all the proof we needed that you're really just writing this column on the slim chance that women will read it, meet you, and say, "you're the guy who wrote about loving to cuddle?" and then you can try to fuck them and avoid cuddling with them after.

Sex in the shower is overrated. I once tried this, but the entire time I was trying to contort my body so that I could get everything inserted correctly. That "up against the wall" variation is tougher than it sounds. The entire shower apparatus is so slippery, and then you have soap all over the place. It's a danger zone. Plus, I do my best to keep my bathroom clean, but I don't think I'd ever want to have sex anywhere near something called "mildew."

Are you sure you've ever had sex before? That "up against the wall variation" isn't tougher than it sounds, it's exactly as easy as it sounds. You put your penis inside her vagina and then she stands, you know, up against the wall. Done deal.

Sure, the shower might be a little bit slippery, but it's not like you're standing in an oil spill. (Exactly how much soap are you using? It seems like a lot of soap. I think you're using too much soap. You know you put the soap on your body, not directly on the floor, right?) Just keep your feet in relatively the same place and thrust. It's really not that complicated.

And if anything, the primary advantage of shower sex is the clean up; everything just washes right off. Half the time, if you're doing it right, you have to take a shower after sex anyway, you're just cutting out the middle man. Plus, you don't have to do laundry so often.

Shower sex is great, don't listen to Rich.

You're not the only one who engages in retail-therapy post-breakup. I have shopped during emotional low points. Wearing new clothes makes me feel confident. There is also a social aspect of shopping because you are usually with friends, consorting with other shoppers and salespeople. You've been spending a lot of money on your ex in the past; now it's time to spend some money on you.

Hey Rich, shut the fuck up. Just shut the fuck up.

We're insecure about dirty talk. Once I've made it into bed with a girl, no way I'm going to let my stupid mouth wreck things. In fact, we've most likely made it to this point in spite of my mouth. There are so many incorrect things I could say, from weak to gross to just downright bizarre. Last thing I need is to give this girl some material for a girls' night conversation.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what's this "we're" talk. Don't you dare pin your increasingly obviously boring sex life on me Mr. Rich Santos. Now not everyone's a talker, that's fine, but did you ever consider that, like swimming with sharks, talking dirty can be very enjoyable if in the hands mouth of a professional.

It's become increasinly clear that your idea of good sex is missionary in a completely sterile environment with the only sound the heartbeat of your lover, preferrably with no one cumming so your sheets stay clean.

Have fun with that.

One of the reasons we won't commit is because we don't want to be told what to do. But, it's no secret that we don't like to think, and we struggle with details. So when you tell us clearly what to do, how to do it, and map it out for us, we can go about accomplishing a task without anxiety. Also, if we follow your directions precisely and you're still unsatisfied, then you're more unsatisfied with the directions you gave us, and not our execution of the instructions.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

First off, "it's no secret that we don't like to think"? At first I thought you were just groveling to look good in front of women, but now I'm becoming increasingly convinced that you're just an outright traitor to the gender. Why else would you tell women we're idiots who need to be told what to do like children?

Second, if you think women will blame their directions more than us if their directions don't work out, you've clearly never actually interacted with a woman, or a human being. Whatever fantasy world you're living it sounds fantastic, is their a magical closet I need to go through to get there? Or is it more of a "Back to the Future" situation, because I already have a Delorean and a Mr. Fusion. I just need to to meet these Libyans in a parking lot for the plutonium.

Mr. Santos, what you wrote is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered dating advice from a real man. Everyone on this site is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.