Kanye Punches Teenage Racist - So Why Doesn’t He Have a Bodyguard? Posted by Nathan S. on 01/14/14 | Filed under Top Stories, Opinion, Kanye West

Bad news for everyone who hates it when we write about Kanye Cornelius* West, but when one of the most famous rappers alive punches a 18-year-old in the face for (allegedly) saying crazy, racist things to his (allegedly) fake-booty superstar wife...yeah, that's kind of a whole thing. 

Now, this particular case is relatively cut and dry, and I'm not going to spend much time on it. I have a larger point I want to dig into, but let's quickly knock out the details on the latest travashamockery. And so I don't have to keep typing allegedly, can I get away with a blanket "everything below is merely alleged at the time of writing this"? Yes? Good, because I'm lazy. Here's the super abbreviated version: 

Kim Kardshian told an as-yet unidentified 18-year-old she encountered to stop saying "nigger". In response, said fantastic example of humanity called her a "slut" and a "n***** lover". Kim called Kanye, at which point Kanye drove to the location - which is being reported as either a Beverly Hills chiropractor or furniture store - found dude, and punched him right in his facepiece. The teen is pressing charges against Ye, and Kim is pressing charges related to harassment and criminal threats against the teen. So just a big fucking ray of sunshine all around. 

Now...of course people, especially incredibly famous people, can't just go around punching individuals in the face all willy nilly. Of course not, but....come on now. Despite evidence to the contrary, Ye is an actual human being who doesn't enjoy his wife having crazy racist shit screamed at her, and responded accordingly. I say well played Yeezy, well played. 

Except for that one part where WHERE THE FUCK IS KANYE'S SECURITY!?!?!?!?! This is something I've been talking about for months, and I'm still as confused as ever. I thought the entire point of being rich and famous is that you can have childhood friends/former NFL players do things like carry drugs and punch people in the face for you. What other reason is there to get rich and famous? But in this particular instance it was a little more personal and Ye wanted to handle business on his own. Fine, I get that. But let's review...

Remember when he got into that slap fight/world's weakest wrestling match with that paparazzi at LAX? Watch it again, although this time pay attention to the beginning, around the :40 mark:

For a moment it looks like dude in the suit could be security, but nope. My man is clearly just a driver who wants wants to open and close car doors and go about his day. So instead of the photographer getting a stiff arm and Ye just getting in the car, we get the ensuing slap-fight/world's weakest wrestling match/vicious attack that left the paparazzi paralyzed. Or something.  

For a second you think maybe stocky bald white dude in a suit could be security, but again, nope. He's just the bag carry guy who's not about to get involved in any confrontations who's hoping to work his way up to driver guy who's not about to get involved in any confontations. 

Does Kanye have security at his house who could handle paparazzi outside his house at 4 am? No, indeed he does not. Does he even have, you know, a fucking gate or something? It would also appear not.  

What do all of these instances have in common? They were all moments that further dug Kanye into a hole of controversy that at this point might be too deep for him to get out of, and in all of them there is a complete and total lack of anyone even vaguely resembling security. Am I the only one who's completely confused here? This can't be a coincidence - I have to assume that Kanye categorically refuses to have a bodyguard. Which, let's be clear, is kind of fucking crazy and, clearly, not really working out for him.  

I hate when musicians who are barely recognizable start rolling with ten bodyguards like anyone - remind me to tell you the Music Soulchild story some time - but Kanye is literally one of the most famous and famous people on the planet. Add in Kim Kardashian, herself one of the most famous people on the planet, and the truly crazy thing is that some nutball hasn't done far worse than yell some racial epithets.  

So please, Kanye, just get some fucking security. It could be a trained ex-CIA assasin, it could be a childhood Chicago friend, it could be some recently cut NFL player. Fuck, just ask Jay Z for a recommendation. Show me a picture of Hova and Beyonce and I'll show you a picture of a very large man nearby. And when's the last time Jay got in a fight with paparazzi or Beyonce got screamed at? Never? Exactly. 

The ideal candidate would be someone who's not only able to get people away from Kanye, but to protect Kanye from himself. Someone who can just talk him into getting into the car and driving off or, if it really came down to it, walking into a building, breaking some dude's nose and catching a charge. I don't know who that ideal candidate is, but I highly encourage Ye to start talking resumes now. 

* I know his middle name is Omari, but for some reason I just fucking love the name Kanye Cornelius West. 

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