A Cornucopia of Fail: Kanye West Totally Doesn’t Assault Paparazzi Posted by Nathan S. on 07/22/13 | Filed under Humor, Kanye West, Fails

"Grab the reporters / So I can smash their recorders " - Kanye West "New Slaves"

Well paparazzi, you can't say he didn't warn you. First he walked into a sign and lost his shit, then he lost his shit on a paparazzi (aka the classic "Don't talk to anyone ever" rant), then someone secretly recorded him and leaked that shit. In retrospect it was only a matter of time before he actually assaulted a reporter/paparazzi asshole with a flip cam, sweet baby jesus knows I've hit someone over a lot less, and of course TMZ got the scoop:



Goddamn, it looks like Kanye really did something to that photographer. We live in an era where people sue each other over ridiculousness, so I'm not even remotely surprised that LAPD is now considering filing assault charges on Yeezus.

Or at least that's how it was being reported at first. Then I saw this other angle:



Oh, well in that case, get all the way the fuck out of here. Get the fuck out, come back in so I can tell you to get the fuck out again, then get the fuck out. This shit went from a "Fail" to a veritable cornocopica of failure.

First, again, I don't really blame Ye for finally going at the dude. I don't see how anyone could have an asshole with a camera in their face everyday without flipping out at least once. Ye himself really did put it first: "I feel the pressure, under more scrutiny / And what I do, act more stupidly / The drama, people suing me." Ye opened up the proceedings knowing this dude was trolling him for a law suit, and Ye gave it to him.

Second, where is Kanye's security? WHERE?!? Isn't this why you pay ex-NFL players to be your bodyguard? So you can just walk straight to your car while some former D1 linemen shoves aside reporters and, if need by, catches a charge on your behalf. It really feels like we're living in the Dark Ages of weed carriers and security guards. I guess they just don't make famous rapper entourages like they used to.

And last but certainly not least, fuck this paparazzi. Fuck him to death. I haven't seen a flop like that since Shaq was posting up Vlade Divac. I was hoping Ye at least got a good shove in, but this wasn't a fight, this was a slightly aggressive hug. Ye half-heartedly and, it has to be said, very awkwardly tried to grab his camera for about three seconds, and homeboy hit the ground like a sniper took him out. Even European soccer players think that was overly-dramatic.

So what lessons can we learn here? One, paparazzi are human beings, minus the part where human beings have dignity, compassion and self-respect. Two, instead of a threesome, Kim clearly needs to sign Kanye up for some MMA lessons for his next birthday. How amazing would it be if Kanye spent two weeks with Georges St. Pierre, then just arm-barred the fuck out of the next paparazzi to talk to him?

That was a rhetorical question. It'd be amazing. But in the meantime, all we have is this carnival of failure. Enjoy!!!

[p.s. - I realize this is my third consecutive Kanye post of the day; what can I say, whether he means to be or not, he's the most interesting person in hip-hop. Unless he though, I promise this'll be the last Ye-related post of the day.]

See Also:  My Apologies Kanye, The Official “Black Skin Head” Video Really Is Dope
See Also:  Fine Kanye, Let’s Debate: Is the 2nd Verse of “New Slaves” the GVOAT?