Sex, Relationships & F**king: Horrible Sex Tips From Guys Posted by Nathan S. on 08/27/13 | Filed under Top Stories, Girls, Humor, Opinion, Sex & Relationships

(Why a picture of Rosa Acosta? Why not.)

By now you should now the "Sex, Relationships & Fucking" mission statement. I flip through women's magazines (Cosmo, Vogue, etc.) to dispel all the myths they're pumping into your girl's head with the powerful truth serum that is an honest real man.

Perhaps the worst damage done to the female mind, and by extension our sex lives, is through the ubiquitous "what guys really think" column, featuring men who are either outright lying, insane, or not actually men. So let's take a quick tour through Cosmo's "Sex Tips From Guys" and try to undo some of the damage.

You're welcome.

"A little-known erogenous zone: the area between a guy's navel and his penis. Lick it, tickle it, or gently tug the hairs there." – Cesar, 28

By "little known" do you mean "essentially non-existent"? If so, then yes, it is little known. The area between our navel and our penis isn't an erogenous zone, or even really a zone. It's just...an amount of skin that covers our lower intestines. (I know, sexy, let's talk more about lower intestines. Tell me more about your bile.)

Ladies, for the record, every second you spend - what the is Cesar suggesting? - tugging our pubic hair is a second we spend wondering why the fuck you're tugging our pubic hair and desperately hoping you'd just get to our wang already. Plan accordingly.

"Treat your guy to sex under the water. With your bodies feeling so weightless, every thrust has 10 times the usual force." – Mark, 29

Oh really, "Mark", if that's even your real name. Underwater sex is great? Because I've got forty billion dollars* that says there's no fucking way you've had sex underwater. In fact, I'm willing to bet you've never had sex period, and you're either actually 16-years-old, or 29 and well on your way to a "Hoarders" episode.

Sex underwater is like sex on the beach, one of those things people who haven't done it thinks sounds awesome, but anyone who's ever actually tried knows is fucking terrible. Come on Mark, walk me through this. So....you're in a pool. You enter her, and then after some communication, you both go underwater? Or are you going underwater first, then entering? That sounds like a Top Gun challenge. Are you both wearing goggles?

Then, once underwater, you're lucky if you can even get ten good thrusts in before you have to come up for air. And are you coming up for air while still inside her? Because on a purely physical level, that's sounds incredibly difficult - there are trained lifeguards who would have trouble dragging someone to the surface while keeping their wang inside them. Or are you pulling out, swimming back to the surface individually, then once you both catch your breath, re-engaging and going back down?

Unless, of course, you've got scuba gear....yeah, scuba gear would be a real game changer. Excuse me a moment....

"My girl pretended not to want to kiss me. I had to use my tongue to pry her mouth open passionately." – Ron, 25

Hey Ron, she just didn't want to kiss you. Sorry to be the one to break this to you buddy. But I admire the way you've delusionally managed to turn someone disgusted at the thought of kissing you into a "sex tip". It must be nice living in Ron World.

"She'd so this thing after we finished having sex where she'd mutter under her breath, 'I can believe I have to put up with this shit,' then grab a vibrator and lock herself in the bathroom for an hour. That was always so hot." - Ron, 25

"My ex would splash her tee shirt with water while washing dishes. As soon as I saw her nipples through the fabric, I'd have to touch them." – Bart, 22

Another one of those fantasy vs. reality moments, I bet Bart and "Mark" talked about this one at BronyCon.

Here's what would happen in a porn. She'd put on a white t-shirt with no bra. Fill the sink up with bubbles, then after washing one spoon she'd coyly splash some water on her nipples. From across the room you'd notice her, start walking over. She'd go back to washing that same spoon, glancing back up at you with fluttering eyelashes. Hot crazy sex ensues.

Here's what would happen in reality. She puts on a white t-shirt with no bra, says she's going to do the dishes. You say, "Uh, ok, thanks," then go into the next room to watch "Anchorman". She coyly splashes some water on her nipples. You don't notice. She says, "Wow, I'm getting really wet doing these dishes." You say, "Oh...", briefly wonder how any functioning adult could get that wet doing the dishes, go back to "Anchorman". Her shirt gets wetter, still nothing. At this point she's actually done most of the dishes, figures she might as well finish them. Breaks a nail scrubbing the dried spaghetti on the side of the pot. Spends the next two days mad, you have no idea why.

And I love the idea of this being a regular thing, one of her go-to moves. After the first time, wouldn't you see her in the white t-shirt and say, "You know, you don't have to do the whole fake dish washing thing. Can we just have sex right now." Or would you sit there and watch her, go through the whole charade again? By the eighth time, I'd be like "Really? We gotta do the t-shirt dish washing thing again? I don't know if I have it in me to pretend like I just so happened to notice her shirt get 'accidentally' wet. (Sigh.) ACTORS ACT!"

On a closing note, ladies, I know I spent a lot of time breaking down what you shouldn't do, but you'd rather know what you should do. That's an entirely separate column, but I'll say this: simplify, simplify, simplify. Don't worry about small tips. Just concentrate on the fundamentals and you'll keep (mostly) any man happy.

* I don't have forty billion dollars. Still, you get the point. Mark's a fucking liar, that's the point.