Sex, Relationships & Fu**ing: Porn, Stranger Fantasies & Lingerie Posted by Nathan S. on 04/09/14 | Filed under Humor, Opinion, Sex & Relationships

(Why a picture of Rosa Acosta? Why not?)

Today I was thinking that I'm long past due for another "Sex, Relationships & Fucking" column, so I started to dig around ye olde interwebs for some good material. I'd already essentially exhausted that temple of terrible sex advice, Cosmo, so I was going to have to find a new source of questions. And that's when I Googled "sex advice column" and found out I was one of the top search results. 

My first thought was, that's way too much internet responsibility for someone who once spent a solid 30 minutes coming up with an adult version of the bases system; you people are actually taking this advice seriously? But my second thought was fuck it, as long as I'm here, I might as well be number one. So for the next few weeks I'm going to be gunning for that top spot by taking out my competitors one at a time, starting with Rowan Pelling, who as I learned seven minutes ago is one of Britian's leading sex advice columnists and seems to mostly respond to middle age English women, a demographic I know intimately not at all. 

But knowing absolutely nothing about my subject has never stopped me before, so let's do this thing. As always, I'll be hijacking questions from Rowan's readers and answering them from a male perspective (aka honestly). Let's do it: 

When I met my second husband seven years ago, I was thrilled  to find a man who treats me like a sex goddess. He loves me in make-up, glamorous clothes and sexy lingerie. But if I slob around bare-faced in pyjamas, my husband sulks and makes it clear sex is off the cards. I feel as if he only loves the 'glam' me, but can't cope with the real one. How can I change this?

I think you're looking for me to write something about how he should love the "real" you, but this isn't a Drake song. My guess is your husband doesn't neccesarily need you to put on the full French maid outfit literally everytime, but it's also hard to want to fuck someone when they don't look like someone you'd want to fuck.

The key word here is "slob". Are we talking still have that eye crust, haven't taken a shower since yesterday kind of "slob"? Because if so, I'm siding with your husband here. You just can't expect the sex goddess treatment if you look like a Nick Nolte mugshot. But if by "slob" you mean more like a reasonably hygenic person who just so happens to be wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt instead of stilletos, then yes, he's being an insane person.

If you really are being a slob in the true sense of the word, you're just going to have to clean up before sex. Would you really want someone who will have sex with you no matter what? Do you jump all over him when he comes back sweaty from playing a couple hours of racquetball. (I just have a feeling this dude's a hardcore racquetball player.) You're just on the opposite side of the "he just wants to have sex anytime/anywhere, it's never special" complaint.  

But if you are putting in at least a reasonable amount of work into your appearance, and crucially he is too, then...jesus, I don't really know what to do. You're telling me than if you start fondling his wang but you're also wearing sweatpants he wants no part of it? It's that serious? Once you do have sex, is it pretty good? It might not be that good. Because I just can't imagine a man turning down hot sex with a woman who looks hot naked just because she started out not-in-lingerie before she got naked. 

So....I guess the real lasting solution is to start having such amazing sex he won't care what you start off dressed like. But there's got to be some deeper problem here than just the slob thing. I don't know what it is, but I can feel it. Let's schedule a follow up appointment.  

I had a string of love affairs before meeting my sweet but reserved husband. I fear we're missing some electricity in the bedroom. I've asked him if he can indulge me in my favourite fantasy - pretending to be a stranger who seduces me - but he says he'd feel stupid. How can I stop my man being so staid?

Whoa, back up there. I feel like you just threw out the "string of love affairs" thing and then casually sauntered along like you didn't just drop a hand grenade. Do you mean "affairs" in the like one-night stand sense, or in the cheating on someone sense? Because if it's the latter, that changes how I view you as a person, and will change my answer significantly. Also, I assume "staid" is some British way of saying "lame". Duly noted. 

Anyway...I can't really get that down on your husband for this, the stranger seduction thing is actually one of the harder fantasies to carry out. You're not just asking for a spanking or for him to put on a weird outfit in the privacy of your own home, you're asking for him to pretend to be a different person in public. It's less fantasy fufillment and more of an acting gig. I guarantee there are people out there with fully functional sex dungeons who would be too self-concious to approach their wife in a bar and pretend to be Derek who's on a business trip and let me buy you a drink I'm in Room 212 at the Ramada down the street come meet me there no one has to know.

So take it easy on the man. If he won't do the stranger thing, pick another fantasy. Of course, if you really need it that bad, you could always HAVE AN AFFAIR SINCE THAT'S WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO SO MUCH GO BACK TO YOUR HOME ON WHORE ISLAND!!! (Again, unless you mean 'affair' in the non-cheating sense, in which case my apologies, that was uncalled for.)  

I was having a spring clean of my husband’s home office when I found a stash of six pornographic magazines in a folder in a cupboard. In all our 24 years together, he’s never expressed any interest in such things to me. I feel I can’t be satisfying my spouse if he wants to look at this kind of material. Am I boring in bed? Should I confront him?

First and foremost, your husband might literally be the last person alive to own porn "magazines". Is he aware of the existence of the internet? Either he's just really an old school soldier and can't let go of the magazine era, or I'd really recommend you don't take a look at his browser history. If you're this upset over some sticky pages, I don't want to see what happens when you find out how much time he spends on ChubbyBlackMILFs.com. 

Clearly though, regardless of format, the issue is that he's looking at porn at all. (Related note, only someone who's never watched porn would call porn "pornographic", as in "pornographic magazines".) I could write another 1,000 words entirely on porn, and I guess I'll have to now, but here's my basic take. One, it's the definition of fantasy. Everyone needs an escape from reality sometimes, and while I completely understand it can feel like he's escaping from the reality of you, really it's not that much different than when he watches football and silently fantasizes about being the quarterback, or watches "Black Hawk Down" and fantasizes about being a bad ass Navy Seal.

However, like any vice, porn isn't completely harmless. How's your sex life otherwise? If he's watching...um...reading?....so much porn he's not putting any effort into having good sex with you, that's a problem and it needs to be addressed. Especially if it doesn't go beyond magazines though, I seriously doubt that's the case. Don't mention it, don't try to involve yourself, just let him have his thing. You can be satisfying him in every way in bed, except for the way where he wants to cum in five minutes with absolutely no effort or emotional attachment, and I don't really think that's the kind of satisfaction you're interested in providing. And if you want to get your own magazine stash up and running, more power to you. 

So there we have it people. Rowan Pelling, you've been put on notice. I'm coming for your spot with my probably not at all better but definitely more honest and male perspective advice, and I won't stop until I've got that top spot. 

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