Sex, Relationships & Fu**ing: The Post-Sex Head Freakout Edition Posted by Nathan S. on 03/03/14 | Filed under Humor, Opinion, Sex & Relationships

(Why a picture of Rosa Acosta? Why not?)

I'm a lot of things. A lover, a fighter, a rap blogger, a devoted #BeardGang member, but one thing I never counted on becoming was a sex advice columnist. I just wanted to point out how ridiculous women's magazines where, but somewhere along the way people started thinking that emailing me for advice was a good idea. 

Well, some men are born great, some become great, and some have greatness thrust upon them. If people out there on the interwebs are desparate enough to turn to me for advice on their love lives, sweet baby jesus bless them, I'll do my best.  

I haven't changed a word of this email, although I am removing the girl's name. Let's call her....Christine. Or maybe her name really is Christine and I just brought up the alias thing to make you think her name was anything but Christine. Deal with that. 

Anyway...

My boyfriend freaked out when I gave him more head after fucking him the first time we got together. He said he didn't expect that and then wouldn't kiss me.  He also made comments l
that I love to fuck.  Well, yes...WTF was that about? Following this, he rarely wanted sex and if we did....I did all the work for at least an hour and he still wouldn't come. Only time he did took over was with me laying on my stomach legs together, him coming in from the back. Got the picture? He could only come if he finished off with a few strokes of his hand.

Oh wow............................wowwy wow wow wowsers........um.....................

First, let's make sure I have all the facts established. The first time you had sex you gave him head afterwards, and he freaked out. In fact, he freaked out so thoroughly that he no longer really wanted to have sex with you, and when he did, he either couldn't orgasm, or could only cum under some very specific circumstances involving roping his own pony. 

Did that about sum it up? 

I feel like the real reason you're writing me is so you can have another guy confirm if this is normal behavior or not. I won't lie to you, it's weird. Not like Buffalo Bill weird, but still, weird. Not every guy wants to fuck as often his girl - that's a mostly but not completely true stereotype -  but if he essentially never wants to AND can't seal the deal when you do knock boots without taking matters into his own hands? That's a problem. 

And really that's all you need to know. There's a serious problem in your relationship, and it (probably) can't be fixed. Some people are just sexually compatible and some aren't. Sex in a relationship matters. Just like you shouldn't hang onto a guy who doesn't treat you well emotionally, don't hang onto a guy who just doesn't particularly want to fuck you. Plus, imagine all the free time you'll have when you don't have to put "at least an hour of work" into every session; which, by the way, sounds like a recipe for chiropractic problems. You don't want to be unable to pick up your grandkids because you once threw out your back riding your boyfriend for four hours straight in your late '20s. 

That should be enough for you to walk away and never think about him again, but relationship reality just doesn't work like that. I know you have to be thinking, "Why? Why didn't it work out? Was it me?" Full disclosure, it may be you. Most guys would welcome the post-sex head, but maybe it just did weird him out that bad and he wasn't able to look at you the same again. (Although, if he has problems with bodily fluids and things being in other people's things, he probably should stop having sex period, which now that I type it seems to be exactly what he did.) And in all honestly, post-sex head the first time? Bold move. 

Or maybe he just wasn't that attracted to you in the first place. It happens - I have no idea what you look like Christine, all I have is this email. You could be a leper. (Is leprecy still a thing?) Or you could be smoking hot and he's gay. The gay thing seems like an easy answer, such an easy answer I would doubt it, but again, what do I know? As far as I'm concerned, he's just some guy his girlfriend wrote to me about in a pretty thoroughly humiliating emailing. 

Christine, let's be honest with each other, you're clearly a handful. Not only are you a freak, and proud of it, but you have no reservations about telling a stranger about your exploits. Not every guy's going to be able to grasp your handful, but somewhere out there is a guy who can orgasm with his penis in your vagina while looking at your face. 

Go find that guy. We're all rooting for you. 

(If you want me to answer your sex, relationship and fucking questions in a completely unhelpful manner, feel free to email me at [email protected].)