Fails of the Week: Is Rebecca Black’s “Friday”  the Worst Rap of All-Time? Posted by Nathan S. on 04/02/11 | Filed under Top Stories, Features, Fails of the Week, Terribleness

Considering it's literally the most popular music video ever, it's hard to imagine you haven't watched Rebecca Black's "Friday" video in YouTube history, but just in case, here's the quick run down. A company in (of course) L.A. called ArkMusic Factory charges rich teenage girls thousands to record a song, make a music video and make them a star. Incredibly, it actually worked (kind of) when Rebecca Black became instantly famous for creating a pop song so bad it's brilliant in a weird way. Basically it's everything that's wrong with America, and if you really need to know more, click here.

Now I could spend a week going over everything's that's terrible about this video, but I don't have a week, and others have already done it. No, what I'm particularly interested in the guest verse from ArkMusic founder Patrick Wilson, a verse that has to be in the discussion for the worst of all-time. Yes, all-time. So bad in fact that I'm devoting this "Fails of the Week" entirely to it.

We really can't go any further without you watching the video. If you're already seen it, fast forward to the 2:30 mark. Everyone else, enjoy the entire four minute extravaganza.



* Before we get into the actual verse, what the fuck is he even doing in this video? I can't be the only one who thinks it's a little creepy that a thirty-five year old dude pops up in a video almost entirely about fifteen-year-old girls for no apparent reason. I say "apparent" because in order to figure out if his rap actually relates to the rest of the song, I'd have to understand what he's saying. Speaking of which.....

* "R-B, Rebecca Black / So chillin’ in the front seat (In the front seat) / In the back seat (In the back seat) / I’m drivin’, cruisin’ (Yeah, yeah) / Fast lanes, switchin’ lanes / Wit’ a car up on my side (Woo!) / (C’mon) Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me / Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream / Check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend / We gonna have fun, c’mon, c’mon, y’all"

What the fuck just happened? It's like I'm suddenly in a bad dream where everyone speaks English, except I can't understand a word.

First off, are you in the front seat or the back seat? Make up your mind. It's physically impossible to be in both at the same time. But that's not the first time Wilson appears to be living in an alternate universe where the laws of physics don't apply. Apparently the school bus is also simultaneously beside him and in front of him - plus, the school bus makes tick tock? I'm assuming he's talking about his watch there. I guess. Maybe. I have no idea what's going on right now.

And I'd also point out that it's bizarre the his watch apparently only lists the days of the week - what time is it? It's Friday o'clock - except Wilson is apparently so obsessed with the days of the week it kind of makes sense. Even Waka thinks this is a horribly written.

* If someone just sent you those lyrics on a piece of paper you'd think it was the work of some deranged serial killer. The FBI would be doing handwriting analysis to see if it matched the handwriting on notes left at murder scenes - which is exactly the vibe you should be going for in a teenage girl's pop song.

* So, is this really the worst rap verse of all-time? Some might point to Eli Porter's infamous verse as worse, but I'd argue that was both a legitimate freestyle, and Porter has some sort of disability. As far as we can tell, Wilson is a mentally competent adult who actually wrote these words down, went into a studio, recorded them, then published them. Frankly, Wilson makes the Mixxie guys sound like Nas in comparison. But the final nail in Wilson's coffin, the piece de resistance (as they'd say in France), is the "Friday (Rap Remix)".

(I hate to do this to you, I really do, so to ease my conscience let me issue this warning. Listening to this remix is one of those things that you can never go back from, like watching another man die or two girls/one cup. It will haunt you for the rest of your life. Proceed at your own risk.)



I rest my case. Believe me, I don't take this designation lightly, but I've (sadly) put a lot of thought into this, and until someone can point something worse, I'm proclaiming Pato Patrice Wilson the worst rapper ever. I'm glad we could get this settled.