The Rapping Dead: The All Hip-Hop Zombie Survival Team Posted by Lucas Garrison on 07/02/13 | Filed under Humor, Opinion

The other day, I caught World War Z and was pleasantly surprised. I had low expectations, but ended up really enjoying the movie. Maybe its good, or maybe I’m just a sucker for zombies; I pretty much love anything with the undead in it so I am easy to please. Either way, it got me thinking about what I would do if (when) a zombie attack begins. While I can’t tell you my plan because I don’t want you to steal it, I will tell you who, in the hip-hop world I would want along with me.

Tech N9ne
Dude is crazy, fearless, and ruthless. Every zombie crew needs someone who is out of their mind and isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty. Tech would prob love killing zombies so much, they would run from him. You know who else would run? Anyone trying to take our s**t if Tech was guarding it. They would also think twice about wanting to join our crew. The key to surviving the zombie apocalypse is to keep a small group and nobody would want to join a guy with face paint.



Fat Joe
Sure he might eat most of the food and probably isn’t very helpful, but I know I can definitely out run him in a foot race. When it comes to zombies, you never want to be the slowest one. Also he is currently serving a six-month jail sentence and the training in surviving in a small, hostile environment would definitely be helpful.



T.I.
When fighting zombies, you are going to need guns—a lot of them—and someone who knows how to use them. As we all, know Tip has had some trouble with the law because of his arsenal of weapons. I mean the dude has drum magazines! If that doesn’t scream zombie killing machine, I don’t know what does.



Juicy J
I am not confident in his fighting abilities, or the ability to do much else, but when any day could be your last, you need to squeeze in a party here and there. Who knows how to party better than Juicy J? Also, maybe you will kill enough brain cells that zombies wont even bother. Even better, when you inevitably are a zombie’s lunch, you can die happy knowing that Juicy J threw your last party. Judging by this video, maybe he doesn’t have a bad shot after all.



RZA
RZA would be a phenomenal group leader; he is smart, decisive, and tough. He would command everyone’s attention, so there wouldn’t be internal struggles about whose ship it is. Plus he has martial arts training which would allow him to take out zombies quickly and quietly. Besides, do you really think RZA would ever be scared by a few zombies?



Nelly
While it my not be the most efficient, there is no denying that the baseball bat is the signature zombie killing weapon. While it isn’t as powerful as a gun, you don’t need ammo and it makes no noise so you can smash Zombies to your hearts content with attracting unwanted attention. For it to be effective however, you need to have someone who knows how to swing the lumber. If he were not rapping, Nelly might have been a baseball player, he was so good he got scouted by a few pro teams (including his hometown Cardinals), so you know he can use the bat.



Wax
Being resourceful and making due with what is around you is an essential survival skill; you have to do more with less if you want to stay out of harms way. Wax can make a beat out of literally anything; like children’s toys or even steak sauce. When you have hip-hop's version of MacGyver, there is no telling what kind of traps or weapons he can make.



I am keeping my crew small, because the more people you have the more liable you are. While the numbers aren’t big, everyone serves a purpose and would basically, practically kill every single zombie. So who would your zombie killing crew be? Keep in mind you cant choose dead emcees because they might very well end up being zombies themselves.

See Also:  Remember That Time Lupe Fiasco & The L.E.P. Bogus Boys Rapped About Zombies? (Listen & Download)