Fails of the Week: Drake Takes Cole on Shopping Spree, Paula Deen Racism & More Posted by Nathan S. on 06/21/13 | Filed under Top Stories, Humor, Fails of the Week, Fails

The dictionary defines "Schadenfreude" as pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others. In that case, we're about to get Schadenfreude like a motherfucker up in this piece.

For the latest edition of "Fails of the Week" (aka your favorite running column that doesn't involve random hot girls) I tackle Cole and Drake's sugardaddy date, Paula Deen, the world's most predictable racist and more.

Enjoy...

Drake is Now Just Buying J. Cole Shit


At first I was going to put this in the "General Awesomeness" section. J. Cole and Drake going into a Best Buy late at night and buying out the store's "Born Sinner" stock? That's dope - I won't front, if I had an album drop, I'd do the same thing. Fuck it, I like that Cole just so brazenly supports his own shit.

And then the 2:55 mark hits.

Oh fucks no. Cole, sir, how are you going to let another man, let alone Drake, pay for you? For YOUR album? AFTER you already put all the albums in the basket? This is like convincing your buddy to go a bender with you, then once the tab comes, pulling some, "Oh, I forgot my wallet" bullshit. Only 400 times worse.

Cole, I know Drake has more money than you, but have some self-respect. Fine, when you're at Magic City take a back seat and let Drake pull out 10 racks. But this was your chance to say to Drake, "I got this" for once, for under $1K, and you blew it. What's next, you're gonna start asking Aubrey Graham to pay for your dinners when you're out?

C'mon son.

This Week in Soul Crushing Tweets


Speaking of J. Cole....on the flipside this makes me feel terrible for him. Can you imagine seeing this pop up in your timeline? I'd be so heated - fuck you for even indirectly involving me in your soul-crushing insantiy. And it's probably the kind of shit famous people get all the time.

I don't have any jokes here, and that's exactly the point. When we've reached a point where kids are pointing weapons at each other for Twitter jokes, something's broken.

Paula Deen, The World's Most Predictable Racist


The news that Paula Deen is racist isn't any more surprising than the news that she's diabetic. But the Paula Deen apology tour sure has been fun to follow over the last couple days. First, she did the straight up apology thing while wearing make up that turned her a color that doesn't exist in nature. What is that - burnt sienna? Neon amber? Someone get me a jumbo Crayola box.

After that didn't do the job, she upped the ante by updating her site with a picture of the world's loneliest black guy and then did another apology video, this one far more rambling.

The good news is that despite being dropped from the Food Network, she's committed to continuing to do good things for good people. You know, good things like make America obese via bacon brownies. Don't cry for Paula Deen America, I'm sure she'll be fine crying yourself to sleep in her giant mansion.

(Word to TSS.)

Cookie Thumping Terribleness


Sticking with insane white women for a second, but on the exact opposite end of the body mass index...Listen, at this point anyone with an internet connection and an even passing interest in music has probably come across Die Antwood (aka everyone reading this). I get it, being shockingly terrible is their thing, like some sort of South African rap Marilyn Manson, and getting mad at them for being shocking is as pointless as getting mad at Rick Ross for rapping about food. It's a pointless effort.

I know all that, and yet, I can't help but hate this. And I mean hate it. Maybe it's feeling burned out over listening to "Yeezus" so much lately, but I just don't seem to have any tolerance for rap that's purposefully terrible and weird. Hey, I got an idea, how about you make good shit? How about that for a change?

*crawls back into backpack, presses play on "Soundbombing II"*

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