Maybach Mumu: 3 New Rick Ross Endorsed Products Posted by Lucas G. on 02/18/14 | Filed under Humor, Rick Ross

Ahhh NBA All-Star Weekend, a time for the NBA's best players to come together and give the fans a weekend full of dunks, alley-oops, and three pointers. All of that is well and good, but All-Star Weekend is really about one thing and one thing only; rappers. Kendrick performed before the dunk contest, 2 Chainz had courtside seats, and Drake even got in on the dunk contest.

Still, Rick Ross won the weekend. Rick Ross was in New Orleans this weekend filming a video for a song that doesn't really deserve a video ("War Ready"), but really he was there to party with rappers and ballers. In fact, in what has to be the highlight of his weekend, Jeezy gave Ross a bottle of Avion with his face engraved on it, because rappers. (Word to Youheardthatnew for the spot.)

I guess Rick Ross Avion is cool, if you like Rick Ross' face to be the last thing you want to see before making some truly terrible decisions (including but not limited to) eating 4 slices of pizza, puking said pizza, calling 3 ex's, and waking up the next day covered in vomit and shame. Tequila is the worst. If you ask me, there are few products that would be much better served with Rick Ross' endorsement, and to prove it I even provided a sales pitch to get you hooked. Blogger...more like internet entrepreneur.

Ross Cakes

Breakfast feeling a little stale? Ran out of hamburger buns or pizza toppings? Need something to wash down that banana split? Grab a few Ross Cakes and your Maybach-sized appetite will be killed like Wale's creativity. Maybe you just walked down to the mail box and worked up a sweat, well, be  like Rick and dab the sweat from your brow with a Ross Cake; the saltiness of the sweat really brings out the smooth, nourishing taste of the fat-soaked treat. If syrup is more of your topping, then Ross cakes are for you; the imprint of Ross' face on every cake allows you to cover each and every crevice with syrupy-goodness. To celebrate the kick off of Ross Cakes, one lucky consumer will have his or her pancake  infused with Molly, only, in true Rozay fashion, we won't tell you before hand. Be on the lookout for jumbo cakes (molded after Ross flapjack-sized man boobs) out later this year.

Ross' Rascal

After a long day of repeated Wing-Stop trips, trying to make Meek Mill sound less annoying, and having to use your arms for things, sometimes walking is just too much for a obese millionaire rapper; we've all been there. For those days I like to break out my Ross Rascal; it does the walking for me! It might not be as spacious as a Maybach, but you can still certainly travel in style with 12" rims, a detachable basket (that can fit up to seven bottles of Cristal), and of course a customizable license plate; Ross chose James Dean because nothing says rap mogul like a James Dean license plate (and because he thought it was Jimmy Dean). Weight restrictions? Don't worry, if it can wheel Ross into the E.R after all you can eat taco Tuesday, it can wheel you anywhere.

Maybach Mumu

When in the public eye Rick Ross has to look good; If you don't have a diamond chain of yourself wearing a diamond chain of yourself (chain game inception) and some snazzy suits, you won't be taken seriously. Getting all dolled up for the fans and press is mandatory, but when relaxing in his mansion, Ross prefers the simple things, like kicking back with 3 models, eating lobster and wearing a comfortable yet stylish mumu. That's right, with Rick Ross' mumu line, you can live the life of lavish luxury while not having to put on real pants. The Maybach Mumu, made of 100% important Egyptian cotton, allows you to feel comfortable at home or at the store, while still looking appropriately flossy. When people see you walk down the street in your gold-studded mumu they will stop and stare, not just because you look like a giant golden balloon but because they didn't know that mumu's could look so good. For just a few extra dollars, we can customize your mumu to include three insulated pockets, perfect for keeping snacks warm or cold. Fashion and function, the Maybach Mumu has it all.

I need a Mumu and I need it now. I'm tired of blogging in sweatpants, A mumu is the blog uniform of the future. Anyhow, what other products do you think Ross should endorse? Tequila is just the tip of the iceberg; every body knows the real money is in mumus.