Sex, Relationships & F**king: A Honest Advice Column Pt. 3 Posted by Nathan S. on 11/14/12 | Filed under Top Stories, Girls, Humor, Sex & Relationships

(Why a picture of Rosa Acosta? Why not.)

By now you should know the deal. There's no worse source for women to get sex advice from than women's magazines, but unfortunately that's exactly where most of the ladies out there turn to with their sex questions.

Since RefinedHype is dedicated to telling it like it really is, I started this "Sex, Relationships & Fucking" column, aimed at injecting some actual truth into the world of, well, sex, relationships and fucking.

For this week's selection, I hijacked Cosmo's "Sex Advice" section, which, on the real, was in some serious need of a hijacking. Got it? Good, let's do the damn thing...

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Q: When going from missionary to woman-on-top, do most people maneuver the switch while keeping the guy's penis inside?

What a strange question, I've never thought of it as something "most people" either do or don't do. Why do you care?

Even if the "switch" is on the slow side, we can't be talking more than a few seconds. This isn't Nascar, a four-second switch isn't going to be the difference between last and first. Regardless, the "switch" is the least important part of the process. It's what happens while in missionary or woman-on-top that matters. No guy has ever said, "She rode me like crazy, but the switch from missionary was a little off, totally ruined the whole thing for me."

Ultimately, a non-removal switch is just bonus points. You know those scenes in movies where someone slides across the hood of a car just because it looks bad ass, even though running around and opening the door normally would only take like two seconds longer?

Yeah, it's like that.

p.s. - I just copyrighted the phrase "non-removal switch."

Q: I just started having sex, and my boyfriend keeps popping out when we do it. Can you tell me what's wrong, and how we can fix it?

What's wrong? What's wrong is that his penis keeps getting removed from your vagina. It's not exactly a mystery. How do you fix it? Have him keep his penis inside your vagina. There, problem solved.

I really don't understand how this is even a question, it's like asking, "I keep falling out of chairs that I'm sitting in, what's wrong?" I don't know what to tell you, just exercise some basic human physiology and stay in the chair.

Listen, a pop out is going to happen every so often, but it really shouldn't be happening that often. Since you're so new to sex, I'm going to assume you're not shaking your vagina around like a moving target, so this one's really on him. He needs to figure out how big his dick is, how deep your vagina is, and adjust accordingly to position. It's just not that complicated. If he really just can't get it right you could always get on top, that would make you in charge of keeping him inside you, but frankly I wouldn't continue to fuck a dude who can't even master literally the most basic and fundamental aspect of sex.

As long as we're here, as some bonus advice, when a pop out happens, take your time with re-insertion. The only thing worse than re-setting is being in hurry up mode and having something go very, very wrong. (I hope the girl who asked that switch question reads this.)

Q: Is there a subtle way to spit out semen after oral sex?

Best question ever. Man, I'm going to have to think about this one for a minute...nope, there's just not. In fact, spitting out semen might just be the least subtle thing you could possibly ever do.

On a deeper level, it seems like your question really is, "Is there a way for me to get credit for swallowing, but actually secretly spit?" Sorry, if you're even asking this question you obviously understand the pros and cons of each - you're just going to have to pick one and live with the consequences.

Q: The orgasms I have with my boyfriend don't compare to the ones that I give myself. Why are they much stronger when I'm alone?

Because you and your boyfriend apparently don't have particularly good sex...or maybe you're an excellent masturbator. Either way, this is a far more complicated question that I have the time or energy to answer. Sorry, you're on your own.

The good news is that once you find a guy who fucks you better than you masturbate, you know he's a keeper. Marry that dude.

Q: My guy fell asleep during sex. Why?

Allow me to answer your question with some questions. Has your guy been diagnosed with narcolepsy? Had he just been awake for three days straight working on a crabbing boat? Before you had sex, did he down an entire bottle of Ambien?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, there's you're answer. If you answered no, well, then you're boring. No, not just boring, so boring you put people to sleep, even while you're having sex with them. That's a problem, you need to step your game up, in a big way.

On the bright side, you could always start fucking insomniacs. The two of you might just balance each other out and become normally functioning human beings.

See Also: Sex, Relationships & F**king: Ask an Actual Guy Anything, Seriously