Sex, Relationships & F**king: Lying About Sex Numbers, Dating Limbo & More Posted by Nathan S. on 01/21/13 | Filed under Top Stories, Girls, Humor, Opinion, Sex & Relationships

(Why a picture of Rosa Acosta? Why not.)

There may be no bigger threat to men than women's magazines. Trust me, your girl is not only reading these magazines, she's soaking in all that terrible, terrible advice. That's why I started this "Sex, Relationships & Fucking" column, to help combat the propaganda being force fed into your lady friend's brain.

For the latest edition I hijacked Glamour's "Sex & Love" section to inject some truth into why guys lie about how many women they've fucked, getting caught in relationship limbo and more. Enjoy...

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I started seeing this guy and recently had sex with him the first time. He seemed to know quite a bit, so I asked how many girls he has slept with, turns out it’s 11 and 9 in the past year. He’s 20 and I’m 21 and I’ve only slept with one other person. Am I overreacting by feeling a little freaked out about this? Or do I have a right? The past is the past and I can’t change that, but what he said keeps popping into my mind a lot and I shudder just thinking about it.

Oh really? He’s slept with 11 women? Nine women in the last year? And he’s 20? I’m not saying he’s lying….but he’s a fucking liar.

Think about it this way. Even if he’s willing to have sex with anyone whose willing to have sex with him, he still has to find women willing to have sex with him; which, unless you’re Wilt Chamberlain, isn’t exactly so easy. (Follow that?)

Nine women in a year, and we’re assuming they’re all about 20-years-old? Not impossible [word to ASU!], but highly unlikely. I’m willing to bet that if you asked him to name all nine girls he’d say, “Yeah, there was, um, Jen and…Jennifer…and… Jenniferina….and….Jen…”

So why would he lie to you? Because guys always inflate their number. Especially if you came at him with a “He seemed to know quite a bit,” demeanor and he felt like he now had to play the super experienced role.

If you have sex with a woman, and she says some version of “wow, you’re really experienced, how many women have you slept with?” it activates that insane male ego portion of your brain: MY DICK IS SO POTENT LADIES CANT GET ENOUGH OF ME!!!

And let’s be honest ladies, on some level (a level you won’t admit) you want us to have slept with other women. There’s something sexy about an inexperienced woman you can “teach”, but no woman has ever said, “You know what really turns me on? Inexperienced and sexually nervous guys.”

The problem is, he clearly got carried away and over-inflated. In retrospect a number like 5 or 6 would have been about perfect; enough to convey experience, not so much it freaked you out.

So ultimately, as hard as it might be, I’d forget about the number. Yeah, he probably lied, but every guy lies about their number. (Except for me, I’ve had sex with eleventy-million women.) How does he treat you otherwise? Pretty good? Then keep dating him until he gives you a better reason not to.

See women, this is why you need me to be answering these questions.

I’ve been seeing a guy who wants to hang out one second, then blows me off the next. What should I do?

First things first, by “seeing” I’m going to assume you really mean “at least occasionally having sex with.”

Second, I can’t tell you what you should do, but I can tell you what’s going on; he’s got you in relationship limbo.

He doesn’t want to put the time into making you a full-on girlfriend, but he also doesn’t want to stop fucking you. Ideally, he wants you to have enough hope he’ll someday get serious that you’ll keep the sex coming (and not leave for someone else), but not so much hope you start expecting girlfriend shit. Frankly it sounds like he’s succeeding.

Now a true relationship limbo master would never be so crude as to only call you when he wants sex, and only stop calling you after you have sex. That’d be too obvious, you’d realize you were being used and you’d bounce. I’m guessing the cycle is more like calls you to just hang out (no sex), next time y’all have sex, next time y’all go on more of a proper date, then he disappears for a couple weeks. Lather, rinse, repeat.

And let me guess, you feel like “I’m so close to a relationship, what am I doing wrong?” So you keep answering the phone, keep getting together with him, thinking “If I just give him a little extra this time maybe he’ll finally commit.” Did I just nail it? If so then he’s got you in limbo.

Of course, if you’re fine with just occasionally fucking him too with a limited chance of a real relationship, then have at it.

Is my boyfriend thinking of me when he’s masturbating? And when does he have time to?

That depends, how hot are you? I’m kidding, I’m kidding….but seriously, how hot are you?

More generally speaking, I doubt your boyfriend never thinks about you when he’s jerking off, but he definitely doesn’t ALWAYS think about you.

Ultimately, masturbation is about two things: fantasy and convenience. (Part of the fantasy is that you can have sex with women conveniently.) Do you constantly fantasize about something you already have? I doubt it. So yeah, there’s an 100% chance he’s thinking about other women when he’s taking his talents to South Beach.

But don’t despair, I’m willing to bet he also occasionally fantasizes about you. Or, more specifically, things he wishes you’d do…probably things he wishes you’d do in conjunction with some of those other women.

As for the “time” aspect, I don’t know what to tell you, it really doesn’t take long. Under the right circumstances, we’re talking….two or three minutes. So you know when he goes into the bathroom to “brush his teeth”? Actually masturbating. Has to “go to the garage to get a different screwdriver”? Actually masturbating. Putting the clothes in the dryer? Staying up late to watch tv? Checking the mail? Masturbating, masturbating and masturbating.

Now that I’ve ruined your life by convincing you every man you know is constantly masturbating (you’re welcome!) my advice is to just relax. Just worry about the sex the two of you are actually having; if it’s good it shouldn’t matter who he’s thinking about when he’s “organizing his sock drawer”.

See Also: Sex, Relationships & F**king, A Honest Advice Column: The Virgin x 3Some x Bodily Fluids Edition