Sex, Relationships & F**king: The Sex Positions Edition (NSFW) Posted by Nathan S. on 06/24/13 | Filed under Top Stories, Girls, Opinion, Sex & Relationships

How has it been this long since I've written a new "Sex, Relationships & Fucking"? My sincerest apologies. Here we were, slowly but steadily making the world a better place, and I abandoned ship. I don't know how I can even begin to ask for your forgiveness, but I can start by winning back your trust with a new column.

As always, "Sex, Relationships & Fucking" is dedicated to fixing one of the world's true ills, women's magazines (Cosmo, Glamour, etc.). The advice those magazines dole out is ridiculous and dangerous, especially when it comes to figuring out what men really want. After all, no good can possibly come from a woman asking another woman what a man really thinks. So to set the record straight I started to hijack questions from women's mags and answer them from the perspective of an actual guy.

This week, I tackle the complicated and elusive world of sex positions, specifically a handful of Cosmo's recommended sex positions that are in some serious need of actual guy perspective. Enjoy...

(Do I really need to say this is going to be all sorts of NSFW? I do? Well, considering yourself officially warned.)

Standing 69
Have him sit on the side of the bed, and lie back, so his feet are flat on the floor. Crawl on top of him into standard 69. As he slowly sits up, place your palms on either side of his thighs and wrap your legs around his head. (At this point you're in sitting 69—which is totally sexy too, btw.) Next, he should wrap his arms around your back and carefully stand, holding you up. It's a good idea for him to turn around, so if you fall, you'll land on the mattress. Grab onto his thighs for support and go at it. Even if you only last a few seconds, it's a serious thrill. One caveat: He has to be strong enough to lift your body weight.

The dictionary defines the Risk/Reward Ratio as, "A ratio used by many investors to compare the expected returns of an investment to the amount of risk undertaken to capture these returns." Its also a handy way to figure out if getting your knob slobbed is worth it.

Here's the reward I can picture for the Standing 69: You feel kind of bad ass for pulling off something you've only ever seen in porn.

Here's the risk: You drop her, she gets a concussion, you end up in the emergency room. You drop her, sustain multiple genitalia injuries, you end up in the emergency room. In order to not fall she squeezes your head so hard with her knees you asphyxiate, pass out, drop her, you both sustain concussions and multiple genital injuries, end up in the emergency room. You just get kind of tired of holding her up, have to go back to a normal position, only now you're both tired and dizzy and can barely finish.

I can't tell you not to try a Standing 69, I can only urge you to weight out the risk/reward before you do.

Passion Propeller
Your man lies on top of you, entering you in traditional missionary style, but then — yowza! — he starts doing a 360-degree spin, all the while keeping his penis deep inside of you. As he's rotating and thrusting, help guide him around your body like a propeller would spin around the top of a helicopter. Make sure to lift his legs when they swing around over your head.

And...why would you do this? First off, I'm not entirely convinced it's even physically possible. Second, if you're the woman, you really want your man to rotate inside you until his ass is in your face? I can't imagine that'd even remotely be a good thing, let alone sexy. And for what? So he can shallowly and awkwardly thrust for a couple minutes before you have to admit it's not really working and have to even more awkwardly go back to missionary?

As a general rule, any sex position that involved the warning, "Make sure to lift his legs when they swing around over your head," is a bad idea. You're welcome, that's what I'm here for.

Side note: If nothing else this is a good reminder that I need to try yelling "yowza!" during sex. Sure, I may end up sleeping on the couch for a week, but it still seems like it's worth a shot.

The Sidecar
Lay on your sides facing each other, then scoot down until your face is in front of the motherlode. The nice thing about this position is that you can easily reach around to play with his backdoor. Well, hello there!

Yo. YO. YOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! SLOW YOUR FUCKING ROLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ladies, listen. There are plenty of guys who enjoy having their "backdoor" played with, I'm not here to judge them. If it makes you feel good go for it. But this isn't some cute "hello there" situation, this is some deadly serious shit. If your man hasn't explicitly given you the green light ahead of time to try some backdoor shenanigans, do not try this shit out of the blue. I'm really not sure how to drive home this point any more strongly. Maybe I need to write in all caps again. DO NOT TRY THIS SHIT.

Or you could give it a try, watch him leap out of bed, go full Harbaugh and never speak to you again, all so you could slip one of your digits in his butthole. Your choice. (Remember the whole risk/reward thing I mentioned above? Go re-read that section.)

Yogila-Tease
Lie on your back with him in a downward dog on top of you (his feet next to your head, his mouth aimed at your V-zone). As he gets busy with his tongue, you can reach up and give him a handy.

I'm having a hard time even picturing this one. Let me see if I got it: It's like a 69, only the guy's on top, and he's kind of doing a push-up/plank/yoga move so it's as hard as possible for him to orally reach his intended target, and unless he's Dirk Digler, his wang will be too far away for any reciprocal oral, so the best he'll be able to get is a handy.

Is that what you were talking about? Because if so, it seems like an incredibly complicated and unnecessary way of performing a relatively simple task. This shit is the sexual equivalent of trying to open a can of soup with a pencil.

Nips Ahoy
With him sitting upright, legs stretched out, straddle him. As you lower yourself onto his penis, slide your knees forward so they’re on the bed behind him, and lean back so your back is against his thighs. As he thrusts, tell him to lean forward so his mouth is on your breasts, then ask him to lick (or bite) your nipples—whatever tickles your fancy.

What is with these people and making ordinary shit as complex as possible. Listen, ladies, if you want your titties licked, nibbled, bitten, tickled, whatever, there are a lot easier ways of getting that done than having your man throw out his back trying to simultaneously reach your nipples and thrust. You can accomplish the exact same effect, without the chiropractor bills, in missionary. In fact, I'm pretty sure that's why God invented the missionary position.

I want to close this post out by emphasizing that I'm in no way opposed to crazy/unusual sexual positions: reverse cowgirl, , whatever floats your boat, go for it. But I also think that in the rush to put out a new "50 Best Sex Positions" issue every month, magazines like Cosmo have let the sex position game get way the fuck out of hand. Not only are these things potentially hazardous to your health - and in at least once case your butthole security - but most importantly, I don't see how they'd feel particularly good. And call me old fashioned, but the last time I checked, the point of fucking was to feel good. (And in some cases work out some unresolved daddy issues.) Right?

So have at it RefinedHype Nation, go suck, fuck, bite, kiss, swallow and whatever else you want to your heart's content. Just remember, when you're waiting in the emergency room with a concussion and a bruised member, Nathan S. told you not to try that Standing 69.