Fails: Good News Everybody, LL Cool J & Brad Paisley Ended Racism Posted by Nathan S. on 04/08/13 | Filed under Opinion, Fails, LL Cool J

I know, I know. You thought that racism completely ended the minute Obama was elected president. But sadly it turned out that hundreds of years of history weren't erased in the course of an inauguration. But never fear! LL Cool J and Brad Paisley have finally solved all America's problems. Look at your window; see all of those black and white people spontaneously hugging? They've clearly heard "Accidental Racist".

To be clear, in theory there's nothing wrong with a country and rap song that attempts to honestly address, and perhaphs in some way help end, racism. But this song right here? The one with the words and the music we're currently listening to? Oh fuck no.



Let's take a little trip down lyrics lane, shall we:

To the man that waited on me at the Starbucks down on Main, I hope you understand
When I put on that t-shirt, the only thing I meant to say is I’m a Skynyrd fan
The red flag on my chest somehow is like the elephant in the corner of the south

I feel your pain Brad. Every day I walk around with this white hood and people are constantly looking at me like I'm a racist. What, like the KKK owns wearing white sheets over your face forever? Maybe I'm actually paying tribute to Casper the Friendly Ghost, ever think of that people? No, you don't. STOP JUDGING ME!!!

Our generation didn’t start this nation
And we’re still paying for mistakes

Paying? Like....in the sense that you can't wear a Confederate flag shirt without people thinking your referring to the...um...flag of the Confederate Army? Like paying in that sense? Because frankly that doesn't seem like much of a price to pay.

Just because my pants are saggin’ doesn’t mean I’m up to no good
You should try to get to know me, I really wish you would

See white people, if you'd just listen to LL Cool J you'd know that only half of your stereotypes about black people are true. Yes, they do all wear saggy pants, but no, they aren't all up to no good. This is progress people, I really feel like we're getting somewhere here.

Now my chains are gold but I’m still misunderstood
I wasn’t there when Sherman’s March turned the south into firewood

If I could take a moment to summarize what LL Cool J is has said so far: Hey, black people may all wear saggy pants and gold chains, but we're really not that bad. And I'm genuinely sorry that some of your cities got burned down...during that war...you were fighting....so you could keep enslaving us. Our bad on that, sorry to cause such a fuss.

I want you to get paid but be a slave I never could
Feel like a new fangled Django, dodgin’ invisible white hoods

I'd like to revoke his rap pass simply for the phrase, "new fangled Django". Can I do that?

I’d love to buy you a beer, conversate and clear the air
But I see that red flag and I think you wish I wasn’t here

Frankly that's the first thing you've said the entire song that made any sense LL.

RIP Robert E. Lee but I’ve gotta thank Abraham Lincoln for freeing me, know what I mean?

Know, I don't know what you mean. This shit stopped making anything resembling sense about two minutes ago.

So where does this all leave us? It may be too soon to say that LL Cool J's forever tarnished his hip-hop legacy with one song, but it's certainly a new low in a steady downward spiral. Then again, maybe LL doesn't really care about rap fans anymore. Sweet baby jesus knows we're not buying his albums anymore - becoming the rap appeaser of white guilt could prove to be very lucrative. And yes, I'm going to look like fucking Nostradamus when these two announce a tour in a month.

Now if you'll excuse me, now that LL's given me the pass, I've got to go cover my car in Confederate flags like I always wanted.