In Which I Spend Way Too Much Time Arguing The “Beyonce Brought Out Blue Ivy” Story is Fake Posted by Nathan S. on 05/06/13 | Filed under Opinion, Beyonce, Fails

I was cruising around ye olde interwebs today when I saw a post titled, "Beyoncé Brings Blue Ivy Out on Stage in London". The world's biggest pop star brings her daughter on stage for the first time? It sounded like it might be good for a "General Awesomeness" post, so clicked play, and five minutes later was convinced everything ever posted on the internet is a complete lie.

Allright, so that's a little overblown, but in a way that only the internet can, this seemingly innocent moments has been turned into a centerpiece of digital controversy. In other words, there's no fucking way that's Blue Ivy.

My daughter literally just turned three-years-old, which means that not only do I spend most of my (non-interwebs) time tracking what she can and can't do (she can't open the front door, can climb on the couch and draw on the walls), I'm constantly surrounded by other small children at playgrounds, birthday parties and shooting ranges swim lessons.

Blue Ivy was born in January of 2012, which means she's not even a year and a half right now. I know Ivy's endowed with Beyonce's superhuman genes, but unless they've been feeding her special Illuminati baby food (which is a possibility), there's no way a one-year-old can even sit on someone's shoulders like that, let alone stand onstage.

You know what a one-year-old looks like trying to stand? Exactly like this. My guess it whoever that little girl in the video is, she's about three or four-years-old.

But in the course of being irrationally interesting in disproving that girl was Blue Ivy, I came to realize that there's currently a debating raging in the comments section of YouTube. Raging I tell you!!! There are currently people breaking down this video frame by frame like it's the Zapruder film. And now it's your turn. Go ahead, skip ahead to the 5:45 mark. If you've come this far, don't front, you know you're going to watch this:



Now, I should admit that I'm speculating just as much as everyone else in the YouTube comment section. So perhaps I shouldn't be so quick to dismiss the idea that girl is indeed Blue Ivy. So in fairness, I'll lay out our two options:

Option 1: Beyonce and Jay-Z have an abnormally large and strong 15-month-old child. They chose to place that child near the stage (on a the shoulders of a "bodyguard") and then Beyonce briefly brought her onstage.

Option 2: Some random dude brought his four-year-old daughter to a Beyonce concert, Beyonce pulled her onstage for a moment. Some fan uploaded the shaky video to YouTube, and then a site posted that video with the following write-up, "According to reports, the little girl Bey let join the mic with her was her own daughter Blue Ivy Carter!"

Because this is the internet, that "According to reports" disclaimer was quickly dropped, apparently no one bothered to say, "Wait, are we sure that's Blue Ivy?", and in minutes this site, this site, this site this site, this site and approximately eleventy-billion other sites had definitively turned that aforementioned random dude's daughter into one of the more famous toddlers alive. (Which, if that was the case, has to be completely fucking crazy for that random dude. Imagine taking your daughter to a Beyonce concert at night, and by morning millions of people think she is Beyonce's daughter.)

As crazy as this sounds, Option 2 is actually the far more likely scenario, which is probably why I'm way more interested in a feel good fluff story than I should be. It shows once again that, even in the most mundane and innocent ways possible, the truth in 2013 is whatever the last blog wrote.

Or...this as just another tabloid story the world will forget about this story in a week a day that I've once again devoted an embarrassing amount of my mental energy too. I guess we'll have call that Option 3.

UPDATE: E-News says it wasn't Blue Ivy, so I've got that august source of journalistic integrity on my side...or something.