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Voyage Aboard the SS D-Bag

There’s nothing funny about a cruise liner capsizing and killing 11 people (at last count)....except the cowardice of the ship’s captain, the right honorable Francesco Schettino, was so legendary, so mind-blowing, that it borders on the comic. For starters, when questioned why he fled the ship in the first available life boat, leaving thousands of terrified passengers stranded, Schettino claimed he tripped and fell into the life boat. No. Seriously. That’s what this d-bag of the century actually said.

For those of you who don’t speak Italian, don’t want to read subtitles or both, allow me to break down the recorded conversation between Capt. Schettino and the Italian Coast Guard:

Coast Guard: “Capt. Schettino, come in! This is the Coast Guard! Hello? Hello?”

Schettino: “Oh hey, what’s going on guys?”

Coast Guard: “We need to know the severity of the situation! How many passengers are trapped on the ship?”

Schettino: “How many? What am I, fucking Rain Man? Um…..probably a lot.”

Coast Guard: “Can you count them?

Schettino: “That’s gonna be pretty hard, I’m really far away. Like…seven or eight miles.”

Coast Guard: “What? You abandoned ship?”

Schettino: “Of course I did.. I don’t know if you heard, but that shit’s sinking.”

Coast Guard: “You need to return to the ship immediately and help rescue the passengers!”

Schettino: “I don’t know, that sounds pretty dangerous. Plus I’m wearing these new Gucci loafers. If they even get a little bit wet they’re ruined, so…..”