Fails of the Week: Mega-Clusterf**k, Kobe Gets Cleaned Out & More

Sorting Out the MegaUpload MegaClusterfuckery

Sweet baby jesus this whole MegaUpload fiasco is a complete clusterfuck. If it were a country, it would be called Clusterfuckistan. It’s favorite flavor of ice cream is chocolate clusterfuck chip. I don’t even know where to start….I guess timeline style’s really the only way to go.

* Reports surface that Swizz Beatz owes the IRS millions in unpaid taxes.

* A little more than a month ago a video promoting MegaUpload featuring Kanye, Diddy, Kim Kardashian and a bunch of other huge celebrities is released, prompting a puzzles hip-hop nation to wonder, “Why the fuck would all those superstars do a commercial for MegaUpload? Oh well, whatever.”

* Major labels like UMG throw a tantrum over its artists being featured, sue MegaUpload and remove the video.

* The NY Post reveals that super-producer/atrocious rapper/Alicia Keys impregnator Swizz Beatz is actually the CEO of MegaUpload. Oh, so that explains the superstar promo video - Swizzy called in some favors.

Lord knows why a company would allow a man who makes music this bad to be its CEO, but whatever.

* The Feds raid MegaUpload, shut the site down and arrest seven people, claiming it was involved in a massive “Mega-Conspiracy” (who says the gov’t doesn’t have a sense of humor?) to break copyright law. Swizz is not arrested and not charged.

* MegaUpload lawyer Ira Rothken says that Swizz Beatz was never the CEO of MegaUpload, saying, “Swizz Beatz was never involved in any meaningful way. He was negotiating to become the CEO, but it was never official.”

Swizzy publicist, however, insists that he was the CEO (and he was briefly listed), even though publicly insisting you’re the CEO of a company that just got seized by the Feds is about the fucking dumbest thing you could possibly do.

* And if that wasn’t enough, it turns out that the actual owner of MegaUpload is Kim DotCom, a pudgy German dude who, yes, legally changed his last name to “DotCom”.

DotCom was arrested in his giant New Zealand mansion yesterday. To arrest DotCom police were forced to cut through the door of the “safe room” Kim had barricaded himself in, finding him sitting with a sawed off shotgun when they finally gained entrance to the room. As part of the arrest police seized over $11 million dollars worth of fine art and luxury cars, including a Maserati, a pink Cadillac and a Rolls Royce, with license plates like “GUILTY,” “EVIL,” “MAFIA” and “STONED.”

For the record, that timeline of mind boggling clusterfuckery is absolutely true…to be honest, I have no idea what’s going on here.

Is Swizz really the CEO of MegaUpload? If so, we wasn’t he arrested, and how could he be the CEO of a company that Feds say made nearly $400 million dollars last year and still be fucking broke? Or was he trying to get involved in MegaUpload because he was so desperate for money? How is it possible that a human being like Kim DotCom really exists?

I don’t know, but I do know this - anything that involves Swizz Beatz and a dude named DotCom is guaranteed to end poorly.