The 1st Ever RefinedHype Wife Fantasy Draft - Who’s Your Pick? Posted by Nathan S. on 11/06/13 | Filed under Girls, Debates, RH Nation Answers

This week I was all set to do  Eminem-related debate for the Wednesday "Question of the Week", but you know what? Between this, and this, and this, honestly, I'm completely burned out on Eminem debating. So I thought I'd pull a 180 an turn a ridiculous conversation I was just having in real time into a post, because that' show I roll. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first ever, in the history of the world, of all-time*, Fantasy Wife Draft.

As always, the first thing to do is come up with some clearly defined, overly thought out and heavily detailed guidelines to this completely imaginary and hypothetical situation. So here's the deal: 

1) For some reason only known to sweet baby Jesus, sweet baby Jesus descends from the heavens and says you can marry any woman on the planet. If you select them, that woman will happily marry you and be equally physically attracted to you (she won't feel forced into it, think you're a complete stranger, etc.).  

2) You're MARRYING them, not just having sex with them, and I'm going to institute a three year rule; aka you have to stay married to them for at least three years. That means you'll be living with them, handling their emotions, dealing with which way they put the toilet paper roll on, etc. 

In other words, while I'd love to spend a night with Kim Kardashian, not even this would be enough for me to stay married to that woman for three years. So yes, of course sex matters, but don't get shortsighted and let your thirst overwhelm the larger married picture. 

3) In all other aspects, your wife would continue to be the same person that she is now. So if you marry Beyonce, you're marrying international superstar Beyonce. Plus side, you're getting some access to her millions (although she'd probably make you sign a pre-nup.) Downside, you've got to deal with constant paparazzi, she's always gone on tour, etc.  

4) Any relationship you're currently in, and she's currently in, just flat out disappears (it is a fantasy draft). So you don't have to worry about breaking up with your current wife/girlfriend, you can select Paula Patton and not worry about Robin Thicke drunk dialing the house and begging Paula to come back, etc. 

5) You're getting them as they are, the age they are, right now. If you want to go with Halle Berry, as amazing as she still is, you can't just travel back in time and select Halle in her peak year. You're getting her at 47-years-old, which would put her at 50 when you're minimum three year marriage requirement is up. I'm not saying that means you shouldn't still pick Halle, I got love for my cougars, I'm just saying factor it in. 

There, I think that about covers it. Now onto the nominees...

I already explained why Kim's not even on my list, and to follow up on Beyonce, as mind blowing as she is, I just don't think I could handle how high maintenence she seems like she'd be. The first morning there's not organic wheat grass shots pre-made for breakfast she's throwing a diva fit and I'm muttering things under my breath about how I should have gone with Stacey Dash because I bet she doesn't get this worked up over fucking wheat grass shots. Plus, she'd expect you to be just as driven and ambitious as she is; I feel like there'd be a lot of tension about how much time I spend drinking and watching "Anchorman" for the 97th time.

On the flipside, Jhene Aiko is beautiful, talented, seemingly incredibly nice, and looks like the kind of woman who wouldn't mind just hanging out all day and smoking - she's in the running. On the other end of the age spectrum, with all due respect to Halle, if I'm going to go with a cougar, I'm going with Salma Hayek. She's been on my mind since I saw "Desperado" as a teenager, she's funny, seems very nice, I'm all in on Salma Hayek. And while I don't know enough about Cassie to feel comfortable about how our personalities would mesh, she'd definitely cross my mind. Come on, she's Cassie. 

But really, there's only one pick for me, Alicia Keys. She's absolutely gorgeous, sexy, seems like she's be super nice and supportive, ambitious without being a diva and unbelievably talented; not gonna lie, I've spent many a listen pretending like she's singing "Like You'll Never See Me Again" to me. Sweet baby jesus I'd marry Alicia Keys in a minute and, yes, the fact that Swizz Beatz actually did fuels a significant portion of my hatred for that man. 

Allright RefinedHype Nation, have at it. Hit us with your selections in the comments below; and the first man who goes with Rihanna earns an instant one-on-one talk from me about the dangers of marrying with your wang. Let's do it...