White People, Stop Pretending You’re Offended by Nick Cannon’s “Whiteface” Posted by Nathan S. on 03/24/14 | Filed under Top Stories, Opinion

Back when I lived in San Francisco, encounters with crazy people were like encounters with corn in Nebraska. After a little while you didn't even double take when a guy dressed like Stacey Dash in "Clueless" and carrying a rabbit asked you where planet Zorg was. But this one time....

....I was waiting for the N at the Church Street stop when a large shirtless black guy started screaming. I'm talking all the way gone. It's not easy being a 300 pound crackhead, but my man was getting it in. Being the veteran Muni riders we all were, everyone in the vicinity immediately switched into "pretend like we don't even notice this impossible to ignore guy" mode, which I was accomplishing nicely before I starter to unmistakeably hear, "Hey cracker! CRACKER!!!"

A quick glance around confirmed that, indeed, I was the only cracker in sight. He was clearly talking to me. So now I have a decision to make: continue to ignore this guy, or talk to him. Really, the only right answer is the one that makes you not have to fight an insane crackhead. "Hey cracker!!!!" He was coming closer, probably ten feet away now. I figured at this point ignoring him was just making him angrier, so I turned to face him. I don't remember exactly what I said, but it was probably something like, "What's up?" because what else do you say? 

"Fuck you white piece of shit cracker!" he screamed again and then, apparently having completed his mission, turned around and headed back up to Haight.  

It was one of the only times in my Bay Area tenure I ever had anything resembling an actual confrontation with a crazy person, 99.9% were harmlessly lost in their own world, but more importantly, it was the only time anyone had ever seriously throw a racial epithet my way. Ever. In life. I'd had the usual heated debates and accusations, but never felt the wrath of a complete stranger based solely on my race. 

It was actually a great chance to see if Louis C.K. was right; was it even possible to offend me as a white person? After all, if someone violently screaming "cracker" in my face didn't do the job, what possibly could? "Cracker" is supposedly the worst of the words you can call a white person, right? What would be worse? Honky? After some soul searching and reflection, it turns out that no, no you can't. I was 100% relieved I didn't have to grapple with Kimbo Slice on crack and 0% actually offended. It's literally impossible to offend me as a white person - I just don't have any particular attachment to being white on a personal level. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm well aware that I am white, and I can't even pull that classic, "Actually, I'm 1/16th Cherokee" move. Nope, as my girl Vivian would say, I'm just straight up white, and enjoy all the priviliges thereof. But I just don't have any personal connection to whiteness as an identity. It's like being from the Western Hemisphere; yes, of course I am a Western Hemispherean, but I'm not getting worked up because someone says the Southern Hemisphere is far superior. 

Which, if I can finally get to the point of this article 500 words in, is why I call bullshit on this Nick Cannon #Whiteface "outrage".

Despite what the various social media outlets of the interwebs would indicate, I refuse to believe anyone's actually, really, in their soul, offended by Nick Cannon dressing up like a white guy. Is it funny? Not even remotely. But there are only two reasons any white person would find this offensive: 

Reason 1: It's the internet and I need to HAVE A STRONG OPINION ON THE INTERNET!!!
Reason 2: "If this was blackface everyone would say it's racist," a reason that, again, has nothing to do with them actually being offended and everything to do with being angry that they can't dress up in blackface which, you know, isn't really something any non-dbag would be angry about.

So no, I don't really care, at all, about Nick Cannon's whiteface. I'm only offended by it in the same way I'm offended by all hack comedians. But this general issue comes up every few months in some form - usually in the form of "why can't white people say nigger?" - so I wanted to go on the record with my position. Instead of responding to every new controversy, I'll just link back to this. 

In summation, there are some very real conversations we can have about race, but my fellow crackers, we can't have those conversations if you're going to pretend to be offended by things like Mariah Carey's husband dressing up like a bro. Stop it. 

And Nick, you can stop it too. This is what whiteface looks like when someone who's actually funny does it: 

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