This Is My Rifle: Life is Good

This morning I woke up and had a change of heart. It wasn't a major shift but it was still big enough to keep the gears moving inside my head all day. Today, like every other Monday, is the day that I put a few hours aside, fill an empty MS Word document with my thoughts and add some ammunition to my "rifle". So a few hours ago I sat down in front of my laptop, lit a cigarette and began writing what was supposed to be the second half of my "greatest rapper alive" article.

But as I wrote and slowly constructed my argument for who I feel is most deserving of the title, I became increasingly frustrated. As the paragraphs took shape, my thoughts felt like they were collapsing on themselves in agony, bitterly reminding me that despite my inherent obligation to care about who may or may not be the reigning master of the Hip Hop universe, in all honesty, I most certainly do not. Is it Nas? Is it Jay-Z? Eminem? I. Don't. Give. A. Fuck. Why does it matter? Do you think it makes any difference at all? Truth be told, Hip Hop just doesn't interest me anymore. It's not that I don't love the culture, it's just that it's become so commercialized that it no longer feels genuine. There are a few artists (like the ones mentioned in the paragraph below) that I get excited about, but more often than not I would rather read a good book or even do my laundry than listen to the newest "hot" album.

The main reason for this is that Hip Hop is embarrassingly predictable. So much so that I can actually hear the music, and see myself deleting it out of my iPod, before I even push the play button. It's the same garbage over and over again and my mind doesn't react very well to intrusive masturbatory egos inflicting their ridiculous delusions upon it. I'm sorry everybody, I know this is a Hip Hop site and as an artist myself I am completely reliant on your continued love for the music, but at this point in time there is no part of me that finds intrigue in discussing it. Yes, I heard your favorite rapper's album and it was exactly what I expected. Sure, he got somewhat introspective on a few songs and even tackled some issues here and there but the message was diluted when he spent the other 90% of the album telling the same people he was trying to uplift that he's better than them because he's at a level of financial status they don't have a hope in hell of ever attaining. Rappers, here's a tip: if you want to send a positive message, put your heart and soul into it. I understand that we all have out contradictions but I don't want you to save the world if it means you're gonna shove your dick in my face. Thanks but no thanks.

So here's a brief summarization of what I was gonna say in this article today: Andre 3000, Mos Def and Black Thought are of the same caliber as Nas, Jay-Z and Eminem. Andre is a better storyteller, Mos Def has the best album next to Illmatic ("Black On Both Sides") and Black Thought is lyrically the only MC that could hold a candle to Eminem. The best all around rapper alive? Ghostface Killah. He's by far the most consistent artist in Hip Hop. He has more classic material and has maintained his relevance longer than anybody, including Jay-Z. He is the best lyricist and storyteller and has written the most cohesive albums. If music alone is the deciding factor then Tony Starks is the best rapper alive, no contest.

So there you go; GFK is the champ. Boom. Done. Now while you go crazy in the comments section telling me that I'm a Nas stan or that I intentionally hate on Jay-Z all the time, I'm gonna move on to some things that actually fucking matter.

*takes a deep breath, lights another cigarette*

Life is good. For the past few months those 3 words have been pushing their way to the front of my brain constantly. Maybe it's because I spend a large amount of my time analyzing the evils of the world, but I've found that I haven't taken many moments to step back and just enjoy being here. As much as I talk about pursuing extraordinary things, I've been overlooking the most spectacular part of it all: my heartbeat. The fact that I open my eyes every morning and have the ability to explore the future that lies ahead of me is a blessing in itself. I can't think of any greater gift than the one that's beating inside of my chest and I want to write to you today in the hope that you too don't take it for granted.

The changing of seasons always does something to me that causes me to spend a lot of time looking into the past, and the current transition from summer to fall has been no different. Throughout my 28 years on this planet I feel like I've done my fair share of living. I have some amazing stories to tell and some even more incredible memories that go far beyond explanation, but during this particular period of my life I've been thinking a lot about the people I'll never see again; the ones who've made that final journey back to the center of the universe.

Until today I didn't put much thought into the idea of physical death. I lost a lot of people over this last decade, so many that at certain points I was almost walking out of one funeral and making my way to another. It was like a monthly routine and I became increasingly numb with every instance in which death returned to take another one of us away. From the 2am "I've got some bad news" phone call all the way up to the drunken reminiscing after the funeral, I felt detached from it all. I could stand in a graveyard and watch somebody I considered to be like a brother as he was lowered into the ground and not even flinch. I'm not proud to say it but I just didn't have anything left to give, not even for a brother.

But then about 6 months ago I found out that I had created a life (and also that pulling out is indeed not a form of birth control). At first I was scared, not at the prospect of being a father but because I knew the child's mother just wasn't capable of living up to her end of the responsibility. Almost immediately her reaction was, "I need to get an abortion" and there was absolutely no discussion between us about it at all because in her opinion, I didn't have any say in the matter. Initially I was ok with it, in a way I felt like I was dodging a bullet, but as we got closer to the day of her appointment at the clinic the idea of being a father grew into me and I was no longer comfortable exterminating a life I helped to create.

And so I pleaded with her to keep the baby. Not once did I think that her and I could possibly come together and build a family, but rather I felt an attachment to the tiny fetus growing inside of her womb. As a younger man I would've applauded her and maybe even cheered her on as the abortion was taking place but now, as an adult, it saddened me deeply to know that my child would never live to meet me, even for one day.

After the abortion it took me a while to feel like myself again. For a few months it felt like there was a massive hole widening in my heart. The relationship (if you can call it that) with the girl was unquestionably over, and I couldn't have been happier in that regard, but I had this strange recurring rise and fall of emotion like I was mourning somebody I never knew. It was odd to me because I had buried so many people that I loved unconditionally and the one that finally broke my heart was the one that I never had the pleasure of being acquainted with.

It was this experience that taught me how to appreciate life and cherish every second I spend within it. There's no doubt I'm my mind that someday I'll have to face the child I cast away, and I'm fully prepared for whatever consequences I may suffer because of it, but still I'm thankful. It's because of the son or daughter I never knew that I came to understand what a magnificent spectacle this existence really is. God has brought me love, with a woman that I know will one day be the mother of my children, and has showed me just how precious and truly significant we all are. I feel like I've been given the chance to start over and I've promised myself that I will live every single day to my fullest potential.

I can only pray that you, the reader, do as well.

Now once again, say it with me- Life. Is. Good.

(Jason James is an artist, freelance columnist and writer for RefinedHype.com. You can listen/download his most recent album, "Marvelous World Of Color", here and you can contact him here and here.)