This Is My Rifle: The Realest Sh*t I Ever Wrote

Last week I learned a valuable lesson; never talk about yourself too much. I don’t know what the big deal was but I guess the title of the article was a little misleading. You all expected an in-depth analysis of J. Cole and his much anticipated album, "Cole World: The Sideline Story" but instead got a long read about my own self-perceived artistic capabilities and had to brave through, as one commenter described it, an unbearably pretentious boxing analogy that ran for most of the article. While I do agree that I came off as a delusional prick at certain points, I'm not going to apologize for my opinion of J. Cole or myself. Instead, and in the most sincere way possible, I would like to tell the people who said that they could give a fuck less about me as an artist to fuck themselves.

I'll say it again, fuck you.

No, I'm not upset about what you said. In fact, I completely agree with you; you wanted to read about an artist that you actually care about, not some random rapper you've never heard of before comparing himself to somebody who's so obviously on another level. I mean, J. Cole is backed by Jay-Z. It doesn't get much cooler than that, right? And since you ride Jay's dick to the point of chafing, it only makes sense you take a flying leap onto Cole's as well. Who the fuck am I to get in the way of that? Sorry, I didn't mean to cock block or anything. I just sat down and started writing. I didn't even intend to talk about J. Cole but it happened. I promise, from now on I will not mention our names in the same sentence, but not because it bothers you, no I'm just too fucking busy to care.

That's right, I'm too busy. And here's why I would like you, the naysayers, to fuck yourselves.

Let me ask you a question: how many dreams have you ever had that you applied to your waking life and worked your ass off to actualize? More than none but less than one? Did you start but then realize it would take too much effort and then give up? You know what? I wanna give up every fucking day of my life but I can't because my heart would stop beating if I ever even attempted it. My music is the only thing that keeps me from losing my mind completely. It's literally my lifeline and the only connection I have left to all of you out there. So when you say that you could give a fuck less about me, it doesn't bother me at all, but throw an artistic jab at me and I take it personally. Not because I'm dying for your approval, but because you're not respecting the sacrifices I make on a daily basis just to hand you a piece of art for you to have at your disposal. Am I coming off a tad pretentious right now? Ok, let me explain.

You and I, on the outside we're really not that different. Just like you, I too work at a full-time job. No, I'm not about to compare my creative endeavors to what you do for a living, I mean I actually work at a regular 9-5 job. For 8 hours a day, 5 (sometimes 6) days a week, I am the national buyer for a major cellular retail chain and I represent one of the largest cellular service providers in the world. In short, I spend millions of dollars a week purchasing cell phones and distributing them to stores across the country. If you live in Canada and own a Blackberry, iPhone or Android, chances are myself or somebody I know bought that phone and distributed it to the store you bought it from. So as you could probably imagine, my 9-5 job is beyond exhausting and my brain is so packed with imperative information (the type of information that if forgotten will cause me to be unemployed) that I often dream about buying cell phones. Do you know what that fucking feels like? To not even have time off in your subconscious? To close your eyes at night and walk right back into the office? It fucking sucks.

And the worst part of it all is that nobody I spend my weekdays with knows anything about who I really am. None of them have the slightest idea that I'm an artist or even a writer. A few have had their suspicions but thankfully none have been able to place me. I've even had an associate recommend my own album to me before. No lie, a colleague once said, "I found this cool album online and the rapper's from Vancouver" then emailed me the link to my own album on DJBooth. It's not that I'm ashamed of the people I work with knowing that I'm an artist, it's that in the corporate world I'm viewed as a risk if I have any professional interests outside of my company and if downsizing occurs, I'll be the first one to get cut. So basically my livelihood depends on me pretending to be somebody else.

By now you're probably wondering why I'm telling you all of this. Well, because when we both leave the office (or McDonald's. Or whatever it is you do) you go home, put on something comfortable, sit down in front of the TV and call it a day. Me, my day's just beginning. I plug in my headphones and work on songs or I'm in the studio or I open my laptop and write an article or spend my evening networking and finding new people to connect with to push my career forward or I just search the Internet for new blogs and websites that might wanna post my music. I don't have time to relax. My life is a constant hustle.

And don't think I'm on some "feel sorry for me" bullshit. I chose this life. Plus, there are perks to what I do. First of all, I make a great salary (well actually, once you factor in studio bills I make an average wage so I guess that's not really a perk), I can put on a suit, shake hands with a multi-millionaire and discuss sales figures just as easily as I can throw on a pair of Jordan’s and talk the ins and outs of the Hip Hop world (that experience alone has provided me with a wealth of knowledge while building my own company. More on that later) and I never pay a cell phone bill ever. But even with all those positive aspects of my 9-5 career, I would tear your fucking heart out and feed it to a pack of rabid badgers for the opportunity to do what I truly love full-time.

Why don't I just sell out and make the same bullshit as everybody else in order to make a living? Because I can't. My integrity as an artist is way too important to me. I would rather spend my whole life running on empty and releasing forward-thinking music for free than be another one of these fucking zombies dancing around on MTV, wearing 80 chains and perpetuating stupidity.

So the next time you say fuck me, or anybody working overtime to reach a seemingly impossible goal, take into consideration the reality of their daily lives. And if after that you still feel the same way, then fuck you too.

See Also: Hey Roc Nation, Stop Shoving J. Cole Into the Mainstream

(Jason James is an artist, freelance columnist and writer for RefinedHype.com. You can listen/download his most recent album, "Marvelous World Of Color", here and you can contact him here and here.)