Insane Person Zach Lowe Thinks Pelicans Are One of the NBA’s Best Names Posted by Nathan S. on 08/22/13 | Filed under Opinion, Sports, Debates

You write a numbered list on the internet for two reasons. One, it's simple and clickable when it comes scrolling through your Twitter timeline: "Why yes, I would like to know 7 easy ways to lose my belly fat." And two, you want people to respond to your rankings, in which case the ultimate victory goes to Zach Lowe, because I'm about to write one-thousand words about his "The Definitive Guide to NBA Team Names" column on Grantland.

The premise was simple. Lowe would (admittedly subjectively) rank each NBA teams name based on it's general awesomeness: how it relates to the city, how it sounds, it's real world equivalent, etc. For the most part, I have no Kobe beef with Lowe's list. The Wizards should be lower, the Jazz are way too high considering there are less actual jazz clubs in Utah than in any other state*, but that's all water under the team name bridge. The thing that really hit me was his selection of the newly minted New Orleans Pelicans at number ten, in his Upper Echelon, just ahead of the Kings and behind the Bulls.

You, dear sir, are an insane person. Here's why....

10. New Orleans Pelicans


Lowe's Case For: "I almost can't believe a segment of fans thinks this is a stupid mascot. On a basic level, no other prominent sports team, college or pro, goes by this name. The local lineage is clear...Also: Have you ever seen a pelican? It is a supremely cool bird, and it attacks its prey with a ruthless efficiency - and in very visually pleasing fashion, dive-bombing straight down into the water from hundreds of feet above."

Nathan S.' Case Against:

A few other things Zach Lowe almost can't believe people think: M&M's are delicious, "The Wire" is a great television show, being punched in the face is painful. Listen, if you can't at least understand why people think naming an NBA franchise after an animal known for its "large throat pouch" is a less than fantastic choice, you're beyond reason. Although, upon further reflection, I almost can't believe people think this is a good name, so maybe Lowe and I are equally unreasonable. You know what? Let's just forget I ever typed this and move on.

I will grant you that the Pelicans ranks extremely high on the ties to local culture scale, on that criteria alone it's one of the NBA's best. But beyond local relatability, it has to be considered one of the worst names in the game.

First, I have to believe Lowe's "have you ever seen a pelican?" question is, in fact, a red herring, meant to distract us from the fact that he's clearly never seen a pelican. A supremely cool bird? The pelican is one of the more awkward creatures on Earth, which is exactly why they're so beloved. (It's the "pugs are cute because they're so ugly" principle.) There's a reason so that our biggest cultural association is from Finding Nemo.

And beyond its physical appearance, pelicans scoop up their prey and then swallow them, which has to be the most incredibly passive-aggressive, thoroughly non-intimidating, conflict-avoidant hunting methods in the animal kingdom. Picture a lion ripping into a gazelle. Now picture the exact opposite. That's a pelican. Every day someone thinks, "dear god, I hope this grizzly/bull/hawk/timberwolf doesn't attack me", no one has ever thought, "dear God, I hope this pelican doesn't scoop me up in its throat pouch while I'm swimming." In the spectrum of NBA animals I'd least want to fight, I have the pelicans ranked just ahead of, fittingly, the Hornets.

If I can bring in an objective judge to settle this, even nature documentaries call them "comical characters", which I think says it all.

Second, EVEN if I give you that pelicans, in their very best moments, can look bad ass, the name itself is turrible. Even though it's not alone among three syllables team names - the Trail Blazers are technically three, although the more common Blazers is two, and the 76ers is an astounding five syllables, although again the more common Sixers is just two - "pelican" just takes so much goddamn effort to say. And although this is no doubt due to the novelty of the name, even if you did decide to put in the effort, it's almost impossible to imagine using it in casual conversation. Go ahead, turn to who ever is closest to you and say, "Call me crazy, but the Pelicans did just not draft well this year." I'll give you a moment...see, you felt like a complete moron, right?

(And don't give me this "we'll call them the Pellies" nickname shit. "Pellies"? It sounds like the name of a pudgy soccer football team at an English boarding school. "I do say, the Pellies are already looking winded, and the match has only just begun. Perhaps it's the soggy pitch.")

Now as a general NBA fan (full disclosure I'm a Celtics fan), all this means I'm not looking forward to being forced to discuss the Pelicans' playoff hopes this season, but I'm not so self-centered that I think my opinion counts more than actual New Orleans residents. So I asked one:

@refinedhype better than the hornets and the logo is dope. I'll take it

— David D. (@DavidDTSS) August 22, 2013

Not exactly a ringing endorsement, but not an outright disavowal either. Yes, David's right, the logo did come out dope; there'd be something so unexpectedly cool about rocking a bad ass Pelicans hat, I might just have to do it. Although I have to say, I think the man might have a touch of NBA Team Name Stockholm Syndrome. When you have the best city-name combo in NBA history, the New Orleans Jazz, taken away from you and replaced with the fucking Hornets, you might find yourself starting to sympathize with your pelican captors. It's like a millionaire Wall Street banker who gets jailed for insider trading, is released, struggles to find work as a convicted felon, and then finally lands a janitor job. Compared to where he started it's a hell hole, but compared to working the lunch line in the cafeteria prison, it's actually not that bad.

The real shame here is not just that Pelicans isn't a great name, and certainly not an "upper echelon" team as Lowe writers, but that New Orleans, like Oklahoma City, Charlotte, Toronto and Orlando before it, had the rare chance to start fresh, to wipe the slate clean and come up with a name that could both strike fear into its opponents' hearts and make its residents proud. So by all means NO residents, support your Pelicans. Just know that the first time Ryan Anderson hits a game-winning three I'll be happy for you, but it will also hurt just a little to hear Joel Meyers yell, "And the Pelicans win! Pelicans win!"

[* I completely made that stat up, but it still sounded so right you believed it. I think that proves my point.]