This Is My Rifle: Hey, Look At My Tits! I’m Famous Posted by Jason James on 01/27/11 | Filed under Top Stories, Features, This Is My Rifle

Last week I received a message via facebook from some random girl that went something like this…

Hey, it’s been a long time since we’ve talked! How are you doing? Anyways, I’m singing now and I have a producer. I know that you have been doing quite well with your music and I was wondering if you could hook me up with some of the people you know in the industry xoxox.

First off, I have never spoken to you. I do recall making an attempt to say hello in passing but you gave me the cold shoulder and didn’t respond (for some reason my rugged good looks and witty charm had no effect on you). Secondly, I would like to reply to your message with 4 simple words:

I. FUCKING. HATE. YOU.

You are the reason why nobody takes music seriously anymore. You are the reason why one of the most promising singers that’s come around in years has decided to call it quits and why everybody has almost completely forgotten about one of the greatest artists of our time. You are the definition of everything I hate about North American culture. You’ve been undeservingly taken care of your entire life because men consider you a “dime” on the scale of physical beauty and in your early 20’s you realized that you could get them to do anything you want as long as you put all of your energy into your appearance (fake boobs, fake hair, fake eyelashes, etc). You’ve never laughed til you cried, read a book that changed your life or loved somebody, other than yourself, so deeply that they enveloped your entire universe. I am convinced that you aren’t even slightly capable of true human emotion. And now you’ve decided that because you’re what most people consider “beautiful” you’re going to try your hand at music (and modeling, of course) because well, it’s just the easiest thing for a pretty girl to do.

Fuck. You.

I know you probably think that because I attempted to speak to you at one point in time that all you had to do was send me a facebook message and I’d be all over it. But I gotta be honest with you, I am a man and like all other men I think with the wrong part of my body from time to time. When I tried to get your attention, the idea of us being friends or ever working together in a musical sense never crossed my mind. Please believe me when I tell you that you are not the type of person who comes across as somebody who is mentally stimulating in any way. In fact, you are the last person I would ever want to rely on for a hilarious anecdote or inspiring quote. As much as it pains me to admit it, when I said hello the only thing in my thoughts was the possibility of seeing you naked.

I’m sure you’re aware of this already as I can’t imagine anybody ever really taking you seriously in a non-sexual way. And I know I sound like a big-time asshole saying these things but you did it to yourself. You, just like everybody else, had opportunities throughout your lifetime to expand as a person but you were more than satisfied just being a pretty face. As you got older, you actually lost touch with reality and believed that because of how you look, you’re better than most other people. I take pleasure in being the one to tell you that you are most definitely not and in all honesty, due to your vanity and lack of humility, most intelligent people consider you a waste of life.

There are many women who are just as pretty, if not prettier, than you are. In this particular class of women, some have even taken the time to be equally beautiful inside as they are on the outside because they know that there’s more to a person than a face, butt and boobs. I have an uncontrollable sense of excitement whenever I meet these women because aside from my own personal interests, I know that they’ve beaten you at your own game.

But enough about how shitty of a person you are, that’s not why I’m here. Let’s get back to your career in music.

I have spent the past decade (just in case that word isn’t in your vocabulary, it means 10 years) in the studio carving away at what would ultimately be my sound. I have sacrificed most of my life and damaged countless relationships in hopes of someday turning my creativity into success. Some days I look back at past years of my life and come to realize that I have missed out on a lot and all I have to show for it are a handful of songs. As much as some people may appreciate my music, I know that there’s a strong chance most of the world will never know who I was or what I did.

So now you’ve decided that because the male population considers you sexually attractive, you can bypass all the hard work and effort that goes into a music career and easily conquer my world. But you and I both know what this is about; you just wanna be famous.

In your tiny little one-dimensional perspective, you’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to truly be “somebody” you have to attain a certain level of fame. You watch Jersey Shore, Keeping Up With The Kardashians and a long list of other garbage television programs and you say to yourself, “I’m just as hot as they are. Why can’t I be famous?”.

But unfortunately for you, there are only so many retards you can pack onto one television station and so now you have to think of how else you’re gonna go about being “important”. It’s at this moment that you’ve come to the decision that you’re gonna be a model/actress/singer. I mean, the TV says you don’t have to have any real talent to do it, so why not give it a shot?

I want you to know that we can see you coming from a mile away and all the real artists are anticipating your arrival. The truth is, you might actually “make it” if you fuck the right people and you’ve already been doing that your whole life so it’s not much of a difference from the way things are now. And if you can open your legs and be rewarded with fame it makes it that much more worth it, right? But as I said in the beginning of this paragraph, we knew you were coming. In fact, we’ve seen people like you come and go for years.

What you didn’t take into consideration when you first came up with your plan was that even if you manage to sidestep a few obstacles, once you understand what goes into being an artist you’ll never survive, especially if you don’t have any talent outside of owning a vagina. Sure there have been a few people that fucked their way to the top, but they were ultimately eaten alive by this business because they didn’t spend those character building years inside of the gauntlet commonly referred to as “the grind”.

You see, as artists we all spend time in that place. Some are there longer than others but one way or the other; we’ve all been there. It’s all those years of being ignored and almost literally pissed on by industry executives that make us who we are. We stay in the race because we know that one day it’ll all pay off and when it does, we’re ready for it. Some of us will never be “famous” or even remembered but there’s a common respect between all of us because we know what we had to go through.

In this world, you are an outcast. You are despised to the utmost degree and we can’t wait to tear you apart once you step foot in our arena. Some of us will pretend to be your friends because once again, some of us have dicks. But in the end, they will throw you aside when they are done with you because both the male and female members of this group agree that you only decrease our collective stock value. Eventually you will be famous but you’ll be tabloid fodder, just ask Paris Hilton.

I guess it all depends on what you perceive as being “important”. If you admire the cast members of Celebrity Rehab or Jersey Shore, then yes you are very capable of being famous. And if “reality television” doesn’t work out, you can bounce your ass around in the background of various rap videos. That’s always good for a few minutes of fame.

In closing, I just want you to stay the fuck away from me and all the other good people of the world. We know who you are, what you’re about and we’re not interested. If you wanna get a look at what a real artist looks like, check out this girl right here.

Suck dick and die bitch,

(Jason James is an artist, freelance columnist and writer for RefinedHype.com. You can listen/download his most recent album, "Marvelous World Of Color", here and you can contact him here and here.)