This Is My Rifle: Hey World, F**k You!

I’m having a shitty day. Well, to be honest, it’s been a shitty month. And since today is the only day that I have available to sit and write my newest entry in my ongoing collection of random theories and ideas known as “This Is My Rifle”, I’m going to drag you through it with me. Ready? Here we go…

It’s summertime and I’m in Vancouver. Which means that on top of the phony, pretentious attitudes and incredibly average personalities that I have to deal with on a daily basis, I’m also experiencing the 2 most enjoyable months of the year smack in the middle of a rainforest. And just as you’d probably guess, it rained for most of June and about half of July. So if you do the math, the sun has poked its face through the clouds approximately 17 times in a month and a half. I’m actually thinking of writing the mayor and proposing a new slogan for the city: “Welcome to Vancouver. Where every day is October 10th”.

I know it doesn’t sound like a big deal but spending your summer underneath grey clouds will pull you into levels of depression you didn’t know existed. It’s not a “cut my wrists and lay in a hot bath with Nina Simone’s ‘Why? (The King Of Love Is Dead)’ on repeat” type of depression, it’s more like a “stare into the distance and remember back when life seemed like an endless ocean of opportunity” depression. Which some would argue is worse because you’re so miserable and emotionless that even killing yourself seems like way too much of a statement and the relief of permanent sleep is far to rewarding to comprehend.

Also, as I’ve previously stated, it’s Vancouver. I would try to find the right words to explain it, but the riots after game 7 of the Stanley Cup finals said it all for me. This city is jam-packed full of mindless idiots with absolutely nothing to do. There are a handful of good people (a large chunk of whom are reading this article right now) but for the most part, Vancouver is a magnet for some of the worst human beings currently inhabiting Planet Earth.

I don’t want to get too far into it, so to put it simply; most of the people here are so painfully mediocre that it’s infuriating to be around. Whether it’s the ones stuck in the middle, the douchebags or the hipsters, intelligent, genuine conversation is hard to come by. Fun fact: roughly about 1/3 of the male residents of this city dress up in sparkly shirts (think bedazzled tiger fighting a dragon) True Religion jeans and take steroids. Their female counterparts look exactly like the males except they have huge fake boobs. Yes, Downtown Vancouver looks like a community of house DJ’s.

So I’m in Vancouver in the pissing rain, surrounded by human disco balls and now Amy Winehouse is dead. Fuck. The faint hope that someday she’d pull her shit together and return to kick some serious cheeseball, popstar ass has been officially snuffed out.

It makes me angry to think of that entire “27 Club”. Jimi Hendrix, Jim Morrison, Janis Joplin, Kurt Cobain and now Amy Winehouse; all of them dead at 27 years old and because of nobody’s fault but their own. Sure, perhaps their families, friends and record labels should’ve intervened and saw to it that they got the help they needed but as I know from personal experience, you cannot force an addict into treatment, they have to want it for themselves. I just wish that somebody would’ve pulled them aside and somehow presented them with their own potential greatness. There’s nothing worse than the artist that “could’ve been”. Especially one with a voice as big and beautiful as Amy’s was.

And right on cue, like vultures to a rotting corpse, the media jumped all over her death. For the past few days it’s been “crazy crackhead Amy fest” all over the internet and television. Video of her high on drugs, recapping her descent into darkness played over and over again on every major network, exclusive photos of her walking out of a restaurant just days before her death.

Really guys? A restaurant? Holy fucking shit! That’s crazy! Look at her all wacked the fuck out on heroin! Awesome! She was such a fucking mess and now she’s dead! AAAHAHAHAHAA! YES! You’re going to make the advertisers cum in their pants with this next one! Yup, it’s Amy Winehouse walking INTO that same exact restaurant just minutes before she walked out! FUCKING RADICAL!! We got what the people need! Come one, come all and join in on our 24-hour Amy Winehouse crack-binge death orgy!!!

Fuck the media. I can’t say it enough. Between Amy Winehouse and a Norwegian nutjob that blew up a bunch of people and killed 90+ kids at a summer camp, their dreams have come true. They have you glued to the tube and they aren’t letting go. As the days progress more shocking news of Amy’s final moments followed by an hour inside the mind of the Jesus freak from Norway. All they need is for Justin Bieber to call in and share his thoughts. Yeah, that’d pull it all together perfectly. Death + Bieber = Boners.

What’s that you say? The Norwegian guy was into Jesus? No way. It can’t be. That’s so ass backwards it makes me sick. Well kids, let me share a bit of information with you. Millions of people have been murdered over thousands of years in the name of Jesus. Matter of fact, the United States of America is the direct result of the biggest mass murder in history. And you know what? They thought that it was because Jesus wanted them to do it. Still to this day the world fights over who’s better, Jesus or Muhammed, and millions more will die because of it.

But who fucking cares, right? Kim Kardashian’s on CNN taking x-ray photos of her ass to prove that it’s real. Nice! Now when you ponder the meaning of life, that tricky “Kardashian Complex” won’t be a problem anymore. But you better find your answer fast, all that McDonald’s and Coca-Cola has clogged your heart so bad that it looks like a toilet at a truck stop. Hey, maybe when you die they’ll show pictures of you walking out of a restaurant too. Probably not, but you can dream can’t you?

If you just read the last half of this article and laughed at the sheer stupidity of the world we live in, thank you for joining me on this journey through random pieces of outrage. These are the things that go through my mind everyday and sometimes I just have to put it all out there for the sake of my sanity. I’m sorry I’ve been inconsistent with this column lately, I was just having a hard time trying to find a way to be somewhat positive about things. I want you all to know that I can’t express how appreciative I am of your continued readership and knowing that you take a few minutes every Wednesday to connect with me through these articles means the world to me.

Once again, thank you.

Now I’m going to bed cuz I’m fucking exhausted.

(Jason James is an artist, freelance columnist and writer for RefinedHype.com. You can listen/download his most recent album, "Marvelous World Of Color", here and you can contact him here and here.)