Breakdown Beatdown: Gucci Mane “Gucci Time”

After the inaugural edition of "Breakdown Beatdown", during which I tore apart Diddy's verse on "Another One' like a famished pitbull, I was flooded with requests to take some shots as Waka Flocka. I wanted to fulfill your wishes, I really did, but after some research it turns out Waka's lyrics are so bad there's really nothing I can do with them. I mean, what am I supposed to write about, "Ey, what I stand for? Flocka! I'ma die for this shawty I swear to god!" other than it's terrible?

Luckily we've got the next best thing, Gucci Mane, who's bad enough to make this easy, but can at least form the kind of semi-coherent sentence I need to give me some material to work with. Y'all asked for it, here we go....it's "Gucci Time"!



(Skipping past that lie-filled chorus from Swizzy and the first verse, and picking up at the 1:25 mark - because I can only listen to so much of this ish.)

It's Gucci time!

Little known fact: Gucci time is actually 1:30 pm on Tuesdays.

Came in drankin rollin up stankin white boy wasted frat house wasted

"Bryant Gumble wasted. Michael Phelps wasted. Vespa scooter wasted. Ironic mustache wasted. Ed Hardy wasted. Things white people like wasted."

Amazin like my bracelet I'm flossin / R.I.P. the mic the ice got my chest moon walkin

Wait, was that actually a complex Michael Jackson reference? He did call it "the mic", which would hint that he's talking about "the microphone", but "mike" as in MJ is the only way that the "moon walkin" reference even remotely makes sense. Or is he just speaking gibberish and randomly happened to formulate an actual metaphor, kind of like how if you give enough monkeys enough time they'll eventually write the collected works of Shakespeare. I could go either way, I'll have to open it up to a vote.




Cabbage patchin, bouncin like Bankhead / Pull up in the drop top Ferrari on Bankhead

"Something something Bank Head / ate a 5 dollar foot long sub in Bank Head / this one time I was in Bankhead and it rained, in Bankhead / another thing completely unrelated to Bankhead."

Can someone from Atlanta confirm or deny that Bankhead has anything to do with "cabbage patchin"? Maybe that line actually makes sense because it's Southern slang I don't know, but I doubt it.

Colder than a polar bear sleepin in the freezer

Actually a polar bear in its normal Artic environment would be far colder than a freezer, but you did manage to name two things that are cold, so in context I'll have to give you that one Gucci. (Does this remind anyone else of those old "Celebrity Jeopardy" episodes on SNL?)

She wish she never met me wanna catch amnesia

Um....I'm speechless. That actually made complete sense and was properly referenced. Well I'll be damned.

Gucci Mane crazy I might pull up on a zebra / Land on top a eagle smoke a joint of reefa / Standin on the sofa spillin liquor on the speaker

Holy shit, that might be the most unintentionally hilarious rap line of all time. Just the mere thought of Gucci pulling up to a club on a zebra is enough to make me laugh out loud. Can we actually make this happen? People can ride zebras, right? Gucci's a big man, but they're basically small, striped horses, you should totally be able to saddle them up. If Gucci ever actually did this he would instantly become my favorite rapper ever. Seriously.

Oh, and for the record, compared to riding a zebra and flying on an eagle, standing on a sofa isn't really that crazy...at all.

Call the paralegal cuz this shit should be illegal

Oh, so that's why Gucci's been to jail so many times, the man obviously has no idea how the American legal system works. You might want to call the cops, or a lawyer, or maybe even your congressperson, but considering that a paralegal is essentially a lawyer's secretary (cue the angry emails from paralegals), they're not the people you'd want to call if something was illegal.

And come to think of it, why would Gucci want the things he's doing to be illegal? Like he hasn't done enough jail time? And I'm pretty sure most of the stuff he does actually is illegal. I know it's a relatively common phrase, but Gucci just made me realize that it makes no fucking sense.

And that's all the lyrical brilliance I can handle for one day folks. As always, comment below or email me if there's a track you want to have issued a "Breakdown Beatdown". Until then....