This Is My Rifle: My (Other) Favorite 4 Letter Word - Love

Every lifetime is made up of moments. Periods in which hours, days and sometimes even weeks seem to stand still and wrap themselves around a long funnel of energy stretching out into the furthest reaches of the universe. The impact of these experiences are everlasting, they create memories that push so deeply into our minds that they ultimately influence us in every decision we make from that day forward. They mold us into who we are, for better or worse, and have the power to alter our very existence in the blink of an eye. In life you will only ever be one of two people, one that lives in the moment and allows it to guide them to their next destination or one that falls between them, stuck in the grey forever searching for purpose amongst the shadows of greatness.

Personally, I always considered myself to be a member of the latter group. For all of my 28 years on Earth my life was defined by brief breaks of intensity that fueled my creativity and poured out of me as songs, drawings and other forms of artistic expression. I felt content with the moments I had been given and I pulled myself as far into them as time and space would allow, grasping onto them and waiting for the next great moment to come along and embrace me. I thought that as long as I lived within the boundaries of complete euphoria, overwhelming depression and all points between, I could explore every hue within the human spectrum to it's fullest extent, and eventually die knowing what it meant to truly be alive. It wasn't until recently that I came to realize I was missing the most integral piece of my super deluxe life machine: love.

The first time it hits you it feels like you're drowning. Your heart pounds at hyper speed and you struggle to pull air into your lungs. Your thoughts are like bright lights flashing inside your head while fireworks explode in your chest. It seems like you're levitating and then violently slammed back into the ground, only to be subsequently picked back up and thrown across the room again. You frantically search for the catalyst to your current state of confusion and as the room slowly stops spinning around you, the culprit pushes through the lights and explosions to the forefront of your mind. It’s then that this person takes their place as your new favorite memory and becomes permanently embedded into your heart. This is it. You have fallen in love.

For a long time I didn’t think it was possible for me to actually fall into love with anybody. It wasn’t that I didn’t entertain the idea of it; it was just that the principles that I value as a human being seemed to be fading out of modern society. In virtually every relationship that I came across, one person was betraying the other in some form or another. The basic foundation of a strong connection between a man and a woman- honesty, loyalty and respect- were totally absent. In most cases I found that people were sharing their lives with one another based out of the fear of being alone and were settling for partners that could provide them with a sufficient distraction from their own insecurities and failed attempts at achieving true happiness. What most of the world considered to be a healthy relationship was merely a co-pilot to assist in navigating through the aforementioned grey areas of life.

I never quite understood why anybody would want to commit themselves to something so empty. If anything, it was more work lying to and deceiving the person you supposedly “love” than leaving the relationship and going about things on your own. I always thought that if both parties were to sit down and be completely honest about everything, they would find comfort in knowing that both of them had betrayed their commitment to each other and could even possibly rest knowing that the burden of guilt had been lifted from their shoulders. But instead, these people would rather carry on; hiding their true selves from one another until finally one day they wake up and are too exhausted to continue.

And so with seeing all of this, I opted to not partake in any of it. I jumped from one sexual relationship to another, fulfilling my physical needs but never once truly connecting with any of the women I spent my time with. I chose to not communicate with any of them on an honest level because I knew that their principles didn’t align with my own. For a number of years I was comfortable with doing this, as I’m sure any man would be, but as I looked further into the circumstances surrounding my attitude towards monogamy, I found that I was engaging in the same shallow behavior as the ones stuck in the meaningless relationships that I tried so hard to stray away from in the first place.

Then one day she came into my world. I can’t explain it, but I knew immediately that she had all of the missing components I so desperately needed in order to actively participate in the greatest moments life has to offer. All of the moments that had previously defined me as a person disappeared into the past and I could see a new horizon ahead of me, brighter and bolder than anything I had ever seen before. The word fantastic can’t even begin to describe the future that is taking shape around me. A million colors couldn’t paint a picture of it. She is my partner, my best friend, my wife and my soulmate. She is my entire universe.

I have found meaning. I have found purpose. And most importantly, I have found love.

I don’t exactly know why I’m sharing this with you today since I highly doubt any of you care about what I wrote in this article. Maybe I felt like bringing you in to a very personal part of my life since “This Is My Rifle” has become a regular meeting ground for many of us, and it’s ok to open all the way up every now and then. Or maybe I just feel vindicated after all those years of being alone. Whatever the reason, it’s amazing how much positivity one person can bring into your life with little to know effort at all, and now that she’s here, I have no idea how I made it all those years without her. Maybe I just had to let it out before that overwhelming feeling of drowning became too much and the moment finally collapsed on itself with me still in it.

Nah, in all honesty, it just feels good to say it.

(Jason James is an artist, freelance columnist and writer for RefinedHype.com. You can listen/download his most recent album, "Marvelous World Of Color", here and you can contact him here and here.)