Why Your Favorite Rapper Loves Justin Bieber

Bieber is as hip-hop as they come. At least that’s what your favorite rappers are telling you.

A few weeks back, I found myself dragged to the local Cineplex (never thought I’d actually use that word but it feels right here for some reason) to a see little movie called “Never Say Never”. For those of your unfamiliar with the film, I’m sincerely honored that this is the first thing you’ve read since you awoke from your coma. I wish you a swift recovery.

“Never Say Never” is a documentary based on the life and times of J. Bieber, the biggest thing out of Canada since maple syrup (that’s right, bigger than Drake). In truth, Bieber is an artist in the loosest sense of the term, he doesn’t write his own lyrics or produce his own beats; all he does is look good for the camera and sing. So what’s the big fucking deal?

Among others, “Never Say Never” features appearances from Drake, Ludacris, and Usher, all of which say the exact same shit: “Bieber is a force to be reckoned with. His talent far exceeds his age and we’re just happy to be part of his movement” (or something along those lines).

I call bullshit. What they meant to say is this: “Bieber is a money-making machine. He bank account far exceeds that of anyone his or our age and we’re just happy to suck his cock for a bit while mooching off of his fan base”. For the record, I’m not literally suggesting that Usher is sucking Bieber’s cock; please do not notify the police. I know a few of you would be thrilled to see Usher in prison (he does seem to make his best music when he’s struggling. Who wouldn’t want to hear “Confessions Part 3: Diary of a Child Molester”?), but please refrain from doing so.



Artists are struggling. We all know that the only thing rappers love more than their “bread”, their “cheese”, and their “dough”, is starting “beef”, and with 50 cornering that market, rappers are searching for new methods of attracting publicity (Next week, I investigate Hip-hop’s obsession with the cheeseburger). Bieber owns the biggest spotlight in America right now, so it only makes sense that media-hungry rappers are going to cash in on his success (you know, either that, get a weird fucking tattoo on their face, or take money from foreign dictators). Rappers are whores; end of story.

So how much longer are we going to have to deal with this Bieber character? I can’t say for sure. I’d like to think his spotlight would dim once he hit puberty and loses that high-pitched voice of his (Aaron Carter, anyone?) but Michael Jackson and Justin Timberlake started as children as well and their music has proven to last far beyond expectations. Will Bieber become the next Timberlake and force me to respect him? Only time will tell.