From Kanye to Weiner, a Brief Look Inside the World of Dong Shots

Seems like every time you turn around these days you're confronted with new a famous dong. Pause. (That's the last pause, I promise. Just had to include one for old times sakes.) Whether it's famous rappers (Kanye), famous singers (Chris Brown) famous athletes or (in)famous politicians (Anthony Weiner), powerful men just can't seem to keep their cell phones out of their pants - and consequently, keep those pics off the interwebs. Which begs the question - what's up with all the dong shots guys? Frankly I've got more questions than answers.

First, what do these guys think is going to happen? That they'll text a pic of their meat whistle to a woman, she'll look at it and she'll go, "wow, that penis looks like something I'd like to have placed in my vagina, I need to call this guy back." Actually, I think that's exactly what they think is going to happen, which displays a fundamental lack of understanding about how the female sexual mind works.

While women are turned on by emotional factors they can be visually stimulated just as easily as men, although I'm don't know a single woman who thinks a wang, in and of itself, is remotely sexy. In fact, I would argue the same holds true for us. Guys, if a woman were to send you a pic of her vagina - that's it, just a close-up of the ill na na - what would your reaction be? Frankly I'd be a little weirded out. The only guys who think they're going to land chicks by transmitting images of their baloney pony either watch way too much porn or live in some alternate reality where women throw themselves at them constantly - or in Kanye's case, both of those things.

Second, without fail these guys act shocked when the pics are eventually leaked. Shocked I tell you! Um, what did you think was going to happen? Not only did you do something unbelievably dumb, but you're famous, so people delight in exposing your stupidity. Which leads us to the only logical conclusion - whether consciously or subconsciously, they wanted those pics to be leaked. That might just be the most narcissistic thing one person could ever think: "Not only is the world so interested in me they want to see me/listen to me/watch me, but they I bet they'll be especially fascinated by this pixelated pic of my johnson."

And then there's a third category, a category that displays an even more insane level of self-obsession. Many of these one-eyed-snake pics seem intended for no one in particular, which means the following thought process actually went through the offenders' head: "Man, I'm bored. I know, why don't I take some pictures of penis, then keep them on my phone for the foreseeable future? Yeah, that sounds like a great idea!" And then, incredibly, they actually do it. Who are these people? Just delete the fucking picture. Who just walks around with nude pics of themselves on their camera?

Actually, it seems like nearly everyone. While we're a long way off from becoming a color blind society, dong shot participants seem to cross racial and cultural divides. Chris Brown, Kanye, Greg Oden, Anthony Weiner, Brett Farve, it's a long list. Or a short list, depending on the specific man. (And no, I'm not providing links. If your curiosity gets the better of you I assume you know how to use Google images.) But wait, you're saying, non-famous guys snap pics of their pocket rockets all the time? True, but I would argue that those men are, temporarily or permanently, suffering from a delusion of grandeur - grandeur that their more powerful brothers in dong pics actually possess.

In summary, if I can be allowed a moment to directly address all the dong shot takers out there, stop. Just stop. Women want to have sex with you because you're rich and/or famous, and unless you're Ron Jeremy, your dong has nothing to do with your status. Truly intelligent men realize this, which is why you'll never see a Jay-Z dong pic, but Yung Berg probably keeps a scrapbook of all his wang shots. But besides gravity and the passage of time there's one constant in this world, men will do stupid things with their penises. Which means its only a matter of time before the next rapper/singer has his meat thermometer splashed on the pages of MediaTakeOut.