Sex, Relationships & F**king: The Fake Orgasm Edition (Bonus Podcast) Posted by Nathan S. on 02/19/13 | Filed under Girls, Humor, Podcasts, Sex & Relationships

(Why a picture of Rosa Acosta? Why not.)

You asked for more fucking, you get more fucking (and sex...and possibly even relationships).

By now you should already know the deal. Guys, there's no bigger threat to your dealings with the opposite gender than the advice columns of women's magazines (Glamour, Cosmo, etc.). After all, no good can possibly come from a woman asking another woman what a man really thinks.

So to set the record straight I started "Sex, Relationships & Fucking", where I hijack questions from women's mags and answer them from the perspective of an actual guy. This week, I tackle the age old question, should women fake orgasms?

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I'm 28 years old and I've never had an orgasm. I've been in several relationships, but none of my exes know that I was always faking. It's too embarrassing to admit. Is there anything I can do to make it happen, or is this just the way I am?

Ah, the fake orgasm question, I was wondering when we were going to get here.

First and foremost, you're almost 30 and you've never had an orgasm? That's a serious problem, it's like being 28 and never having had ice cream...if ice cream could stimulate your clitoris until you orgasmed.

Right off the bat, the real issue here is masturbation, or the lack thereof. By "never" I assume you mean that not only have you never had an orgasm during sex, but you've never had an orgasm alone. If you can't get yourself off, how could you expect anyone else to?

So if you're not masturbating, you need to start ASAP. Like right the fuck now, and repeatedly. Call in sick to work, buy a bottle of wine, lock the door and don't come out until you've got carpal tunnel syndrome.

If you truly experiment with what makes you feel good, and truly give it some sustained effort, and you STILL can't cum? Then you might be part of a small percentage of women who just can't orgasm. But the odds are much better that it's actually all in your head..and your clit. I guarantee that once you start pulling your own card on a regular basis, that will translate to orgasms during sex. So the good news is that your future's in your own hands. Literally.

On a related note, I'm fine with women faking orgasms in general. Let's be honest, sometimes you just have things to do that don't involve a penis in your vagina and you need to wrap things up. The guy cums, he feels good about himself for making you cum (although you didn't) and everyone moves on with their life. It's a win/win. Honestly, although most will never admit it, if guys could fake orgasms, we probably would too. But if you're faking more than....I want to say 10% of the time, then that's an issue. Now you're just having bad sex, and bad sex is never a good thing.

(Tip: The best way to tell if a woman's faking is to watch her abs. If they contract like she's doing a sit-up while she orgasms, then there's a pretty damn good chance it's real. Guys tend to focus too much on the moaning and screaming - her voice can lie, her body can't.)

Anyway...to sum up, ladies, obviously what a guy does while fucking matters, but you're the biggest factor in your own orgasm. Get to work on the solo tip and I guarantee you won't have to fake it nearly as often. And yes, I'm aware that "masturbate more" is essentially the best advice anyone could every give you for anything. You're welcome.

Bonus: As requested, I'm including yet another "Sex, Relationships & Fucking" podcast. The homie Mike McNulty joins me to talk about drunken hook ups, reciprocal oral, sea turtle sex and more. Enjoy...