Fails of the Week: The Return of Eli Porter, How to Catch a Beatdown & Much More!

Schadenfreude is a psychological terms used to describe someone who takes pleasure in the failure of others (aka haters), and while I certainly didn't derive any enjoyment from some of the epic f**k ups below, they were too egregious not to be called out. In the latest of an ongoing series that will include the best...or worst...fails of the week from the world of hip-hop, sports, pop culture and beyond, I examine the return of Eli Porter, a fan getting f**ked up onstage at a 50 Cent concert and much more...

The Return of Eli Porter

Guess who's back? Just two weeks after I devoted an entire Fail column to the greatest/worst rap battle of all-time, its star Eli Porter hit the interweb to announce that he has a new mixtape and documentary coming soon. Wait, so he's not mentally challenged? So what was the deal with his eyes rolling back into this head during the battle? I'm seriously trying to be sensitive here. I understand he's not "retarded", but he certainly has to have some sort of condition, right? Or was that the most insane case of stage fright ever? The mystery of Eli Porter only deepens. God I spend way too much time thinking about this dude. Oh, and the upcoming mixtape and documentary are going to be awesome. And by "awesome" I mean guaranteed Fails. I wish Vegas let me bet on things like this.

UPDATE: Here's the trailer for the documentary, which looks legit. I seriously can't wait to watch this doc. Props to Trent Babbington for the heads up.

How Not to Bum Rush the Show

During a recent show in Brazil an overanxious fan/would be assassin/who knows tried to rush the stage and get a little too close for comfort to 50 Cent, only be taken out by Fiddy's security (forward to the mark for the good stuff). Sweet baby jesus, is 50's entire security staff made up of former Florida linebackers? That dude got absolutely cleaned out - and you have to love how 50 manages to get in a little "yeah, that's right" before returning to the song. So huge fail on the fan's part, but props for 50's security. I can only imagine what happened backstage. (On a related note, World Cup security is also pretty on point. This fan catches one of the best Superman punches I've ever seen.)

Jesse Jackson Capitalizes on Crazy Cavs Owner Dan Gilbert

It's a rarely seen compound fail! First, while I essentially agree with him that Lebron James quit on the team, Cleveland Cavs owner Dan Gilbert came across like a bitter ex-girlfriend when he wrote a balls crazy letter after Bron Bron announced he was moving to the Heat, complete with different fonts and colors. Hey Dan, sometimes it's a good idea to put something in Draft status and sleep on it before hitting send. Even worse, Jesse Jackson, who was doubtlessly praying for a way to involve himself in a big story, took to the airwaves to blast Gilbert for treating Lebron like a "runaway slave". Really Jesse? Really? Do you always have to go there? Anything to get people talking...about you, huh?

Finally, a Product for Turkey Prostitute Lovers

Wow. That's all I have to say, just...wow.

Spot a Fail of the Week? Email me at nathan(@)refinedhype.com.