Fails: Chris Brown Definitely (Allegedly) Faked His Community Service Hours Posted by Nathan S. on 02/06/13 | Filed under Humor, Opinion, Chris Brown, Fails

First things first, I don't think it's a secret that I've got no love for Chris Brown. But this really isn't about the Rihanna beating, or the Frank Ocean fight, or that whole shart in your eye thing, or the eleventy-million other headlines he's produced. This is about a man who (it appears) faked his community service record to a level that borders on the absurd .

To be clear, if I was ever ordered to do 1,400 hours of community service, you'd better believe there'd be exaggerating going on. I picked up trash for 35 minutes? Fuck it, round that shit up and let's call it an hour. But the L.A. County District Attorney's Office took a closer look at the records Brown filed, did some basic investigation, and discovered it was full of more holes than Rick Ross' car.

Here are some personal favorites:

* On December 12, 2011, Brown arrived in D.C. off a flight from Dubai at 7 AM. From there he apparently cleared customs in 7 seconds ad then traveled by rocket pack, flying over rush hour DMV traffic, and arrived in Richmond, VA at 9 AM, where he proceeded to pick up trash for the next eight hours in the same one block radius. Yep, that's totally what happened.

* On November 8, 2011, Brown's log indicated that he had completed the equivalent of 824 hours of community service. Then, on February 8, 2012, Brown's log indicated that he had completed 701 hours of community service. Which can only mean that he was working so hard, he accidentally ripped a hole in the space-time continuum and un-picked up trash for negative 123 hours over the last three months.

* On March 15, 2012, Chris Brown boarded a private jet to Cancun while defying the laws of basic physics by simultaneously picking up trash for eight hours in Richmond.

* Brown "performed" approximately 500 of his community service hours at the Richmond area Tappahannock Children's Center, formerly run by his mother. She (allegedly) gave him keys to the building, and many mornings she would show up to the center to find all of the floors had been waxed and cleaned overnight by Brown. Because yeah, Brown definitely spent his nights alone waxing floors for 8 hour stretches....with no one there to see him.

I find it hard to believe that Brown was actually in charge of keeping and filing his community service log. So hey, guy whose job it was to do this shit, you're the worst. It looks like Brown may now have to do all 1300 hours over again, except this time for real.

So hey, Breezy, just putting it out there: for the right price I'd be glad to help you pad some of those community service stats in a way that doesn't defy the laws of nature. Consider it an investment in your future. Get at me.