One of the best parts about my job is that I get to say things like, "Sorry baby, I can't go on that couples date because I have to stay home and watch the Grammys." But one of the worst parts about my job is that I have to watch the entire Grammys - and here's proof. A minute-by-minute breakdown of three hours of my life I wish I had back. Ladies and gentlemen, the 2012 Grammys!
8: 00 – Watching the 22-year-olds in the front pretending to love Bruce Springsteen. By the way, what’s the statute of limitations on wearing those small hoop earings? 45? 50? Either way the Boss is pushing his luck.
8:02 – Over/under on LL’s first lip lick? I’m going with…wait, nope, there it was. 15 seconds.
8:05 – No doubt about it, a pre-crack Whitney could sing better than absolutely anyone. The lesson, as always? Don’t do anything Bobby Brown tells you to.
8:07 – Like the music industry in general, the Grammys are obviously counting on Adele to prop them up.
8:08 – Hold on LL (takes another shot of JD). Yep, now I’m ready for music’s biggest night .
8:09 – Bruno Mars is legit, no doubt about it. Plus a choreographed horn section always looks kind of bad ass. (Note to self: hire a choreographed horn section to follow me around.)
8:18 – You'd think that Alicia Keys would be wearing better jewelry but Swizzy had to pawn the good shit to pay off the IRS.
8:21 – Lady Gaga looks like a dolphin caught in a net. She’s eight hours from becoming tuna.
8:22 – Let’s just save ourselves some time and give Adele every Grammy. Who’s up for best bluegrass album of the year? Yeah, Adele gets that shit too.
8:23 – Just so we’re clear, Chris Brown’s back up dancers are wearing capes and surgical masks. All the better to distract from the lip synching. (And don’t even start with the “he’s not lip synching”. You’re dancing for five minutes while running up and down stairs, but your vocals don’t sound out of breath at all? Get the fuck out of here.)
8:33 – Unfortunately Jay-Z and Kanye couldn’t be here tonight…because everyone was motherfucking terrified of what Kanye would do if they didn’t win. Can’t argue with “Otis” though. Song itself isn’t that great – it’s more of a vicarious award for the entire Watch the Throne juggernaut.
8:35 – Might have to ease back on the drinking. We’re only 35 minutes in and Kelly Clarkson’s already looking amazing.
8:46 – Serious question. Is there a single black person in the audience of this Foo Fighters concert? Trying to find someone – it’s like playing Racial Where’s Waldo. (Yep, definitely need to ease back on the drinking.)
8:55 – Sweet baby jesus Rihanna sounds terrible – not even a Tina Turner haircut makes her sound better. Whitney Houston’s off-key farts sounded better. (Too soon? Come on, that was a Whitney compliment, in a weird way.)
9:02 – Coldplay negotiating with the Grammys. “Ok, so we have to sing with Rihanna for like two minutes and then you’ll bust out the big budget light effects. But then she gets the fuck off the stage, right? Ah…..fuck it, fine, but everyone in the audience gets lighters.”
9:07 – At this point, if I had to describe my Grammy watching experience in one word, that word would be “bored”. And also “terrified of this Nicki Minaj” performance – whatever sums that up in one word.
9:14 – And right on cue, Maroon 5 launches into a Beach Boys medley. I feel like I just washed down a bucket of Valium with a bottle of Robitussin.
9:20 – Seriously though. Anyone know where I can score some PCP? I think it’s the only way I’m going to stay awake through this. Where’s Method Man when you need him.
9:23 – Congrats to Bing for recruiting Wiz Khalifa for their new campaign. Unfortunately, everyone will continue to not give a fuck about Bing because, you know, it’s fucking Bing .
9:34 – “Before we continue, I’d like to salute my musical forefather Gil Scot-Heron who, if he were alive today, would think Drake was a little bitch.” – Common
9:35 – Damn, America really does love Chris Brown again. I’m still allowed to think he’s kind of a d-bag, right?
9:40 – I’m sorry Taylor, I’m gonna let you finish, but Earl Scruggs was the best bango player of all-time! (Nope, still not old.)
9:49 – Adele deserved the “Best Song” win, welcome to the theme of tonight.
9: 54 – For a woman usually dressed in fruits Katy Perry’s kind of scaring me right now. She looks like a bad ‘80s sci-fi movie, with amazing breasts.
9:56 – Lady Antebellum for Best Country Album? What a joke – everyone knows Blake Shelton deserved that. This is the most disgraceful pick since they have Diddy the Grammy over Wu-Tang! (Note: I have no idea what I’m talking about.)
10:05 –Is it possible to overhype Adele? You could say, Adele’s the best voice we’ve heard in a generation and that wouldn’t be an exaggeration. It doesn’t happen often, but sometimes people just really are that good.
10:29 – If I ran the Grammys, we’d be listening to a Carrie Underwood and Juicy J duet right now. Sure, we’d lose the Target sponsorship, but it’d actually be entertaining.
10:31 – Bon Iver for Best New Artist? Would have preferred Cole, but he’s actually really dope – Kanye was right to start working with him. At least it wasn’t Nicki, in which case my remote would now be firmly lodged in my broken TV.
10:36 – Good to hear the Grammys say that artists, labels and the interwebs need to work together. I’ll be sure to play that clip at my trial when the Feds shut me down over a Justin Bieber link.
10:37 – Morning meeting at the Grammys: “Fuck, Jennifer Hudson’s the only person who can pull off this Whitney tribute, right? Yeah, she is. I don’t care if she wants Beyonce to publicly admit she’s a better singer, whatever she wants just give it to her. We’re fucked if she won’t sing thing thing.”
Actually, there might be one person who could have done it better.
10:48 – Oh hey, what up ?uestlove.
10:50 – Chris Brown’s dressed like Run DMC next to a bright yellow shoe wearing, pause flow spitting Lil Wayne while thousands of L.A. groupies wave glowsticks. This is literally my worst nightmare.
10:53 – Yep, nothing says a tribute to Don Cornelius and Soul Train than a Foo Fighters/Deadmaus 5 mash-up.
11:02 – You know in six months we’re going to hear a track with Drake softly singing, “Girl, I remember when you used to sleep on the bunk below me on the tour bus, and now you’re so amazing.”
11:03 – That Nicki performance pretty much encapsulated how I feel about Nicki Minaj in general. She's "crazy", but in a completely predictable way. It's like she sat down with a focus group and asked, "Ok, so how can we really piss off America. People are still religious, right? I'm sure if we include some priests or something everyone will get mad. Ok, yeah, let's start choreographing that then - someone start building a cross stat!"
By the way, my wife just woke up, looked at Nicki, said, “they’re all just trying to be crazier than Lady Gaga” and fell back asleep. Good call.
11:08 – And the award for “Most Awkward Introduction of Lady Antebellum while an Uncomfortable Audience Is Still Watching Nicki Minaj Hanging From the Ceiling” goes to LL Cool J.
11:20 - And...Adele goes '72 Miami Dolphins on this shit and finished with a perfect record. Everyone in this audience is praying she doesn't put out an album next year so they can actually win something.
11:30 - Praise sweet baby jesus it's over. I'd say I spent about 80% of the time praying for the show to end, which isn't exactly a ringing endorsement. Not even three JDs and Coke and four beers made it tolerable - it mostly just made me attracted to Kelly Clarkson. Ladies and gentlemen, your 2012 Grammys!
On a closing note, Yeezy motherfucking cleaned up all the other awards you care about:
Rap Album: “My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy,” Kanye West
Rap Performance: “Otis,” Jay-Z and Kanye West
Rap Song: “All of the Lights,” Jeff Bhasker, Stacy Ferguson, Malik Jones, Warren Trotter & Kanye West
Rap/Sung Collaboration: “All of the Lights,” Kanye West, Rihanna, Kid Cudi & Fergie
From Nicki to Adele, All the 2012 Grammy Performances You Actually Care About (Video)
Breaking Down The Best Of The Worst Dressed At The 2012 Grammys (Pics)
The 2010 Grammys: The Complete Wrap Up (Video)
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