Crazy Pills: Balloon Boy Neighbor Brawls With Media

Posted by Flood on 10/20/09 | Filed under Features, Crazy Pills

(Editor’s Note: It’s no secret that I spend my entire day online, and in my pursuits of the greatest hip-hop has to offer I see plenty of internet based insanity I feel compelled to share with the world. So I’ve recruited my boy Flood to monitor the web and deliver y’all some occasional crazy pills, Refined Hype style. What does it have to do with urban culture? Um, not much, but it’s still entertaining as f**k. In our inaugural edition, Flood breaks down footage of a brawl that broke out between one of balloon boy’s neighbors and the caravan of media parked on his street.)

Nice work, Balloon Boy Family. You’re now responsible for grown men fighting each other in the street.

Just think about living next to the Heene clan. Besides lowering your property value by 50 percent due to “proximity to crazy,” you constantly have to deal with the late-night experiments, UFO stunts and reality show planning.

Now imagine life on Batshit Lane after Balloon Boy’s Dad played a practical joke on the entire world. The media circus has come barreling into town and set up camp. Somebody is bound to snap like the Addams Family doing their theme song – and it just so happens we have video footage to prove it.

The Refined Take:

1) We begin with White Shirt Protagonist angry about an amateur videographer blocking his God-given right to drive his 3-ton pick-up through the streets of Fort Collins. But instead of getting physical, he calls the cops (we presume) because the media horde is “endangering his safety.” He tries to drive away, but the guy with a camera gets a little too close to Black Bess (yes, I named his truck for him.)
2) White T-shirt protagonist jumps out faster than you can say Trailer Park and confronts Camera Guy. This could get very ugly very fast. But wait—
3) We interrupt this commentary with a sub commentary: Some of you might have missed the Santa Claus lookalike driving around on his handicap scooter. See, foreigners, this is what you do during retirement in America. You grow a long beard, you wear sweats and you cruise around the streets looking for lunch specials and physical altercations. I’ll bet a crisp C-note that this guy is a Vietnam veteran.
4) Back to our video. While White Shirt wants answers from Camera Guy, here comes Yellow Shirt out of nowhere! You have to be impressed with his wrestling skills. That is a rear takedown worthy of the UFC. Helpless, White Shirt just keeps yelling “from behind, dude?”and you sort of can’t blame him. This was a cheap shot. And something tells me that Yellow Shirt started to rethink his own actions as soon as the men do their helicopter spin to the ground.
Right now, the fight has turned into Afghanistan because it’s clear Yellow Shirt doesn’t have a clear objective. Is he trying to fight? Playing peace maker? Will he subdue him until the cops arrive? “Help me out, you guys,” he pleads to the onlookers. But everybody just watches like France and Italy, obviously thinking to themselves: Dude, you were the one who tackled him—you work it out.
5) Finally, White Shirt slips an arm free and starts pounding away with punches that wouldn’t crack an egg. But the crowd now wants to step in and stop any potential bloodshed. White T-Shirt Guy feels like he’s been wronged. Yellow T-Shirt Guy probably just wants to go home. 
6) Irony of all irony, somebody during the altercation starts saying to shut off the cameras. Right, now we shut off the cameras. Too late. This ain’t your media circus to control.
7) I’ll bet you another crisp C-Note that Falcon Heene was watching all of this from his hiding spot in the attic. Any takers?

 

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